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This is me

by elleInWi

I started self harming again. I hadnt done it in 14yrs. But i bought some chemicals and burned my arms like the good ol days. Im already regretting this choice because its all i think about now. My mind wants me to destroy my physical being as a punishment of all the hard ships i endured for so many years. Asking for help has been a bust. Not even human services wanted to help me because i seem too “calm” to be crazy apparently. Sure all these orginizations are against suicidal people and cutters, but when someone actually steps forward requiring their services, they act like they dont know what to do. Like dude just quit while youre ahead. Im done askin for help.  I have a doctors appt tomorrow. Im sure shes gonna trip out about my 2nd deg burns.

9 comments
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9 comments

system 2/9/2021 - 3:44 pm

I’m sorry that your experience with mental health outreach has been like that :/ unfortunately, a lot of the people hired at those sorts of places are there to get their hours in order to get their license. I know what you mean by them not really seeming prepared when someone steps forward with something serious. That’s kinda what inpatient was like for me 🙁

elleInWi 2/9/2021 - 3:50 pm

Id been hospitalized most of my life. Was even court ordered to be in a state facility for 1yr. But the last time i was inpatient they kept me for 3days and told me i was a lost cause because i was hell bent on self distructing and they couldnt stop me so they discharged me and labled me as uncurable.

system 2/9/2021 - 3:52 pm

That’s infuriating. That’s so unprofessional.

elleInWi 2/9/2021 - 3:55 pm

Its pretty common sad to tell u. I worked for dept of health services and rogers behavioral hospital and the same mentality ran within those walls too. Its all a business, and the clients are viewed by their insurance status. Its all about money not about gettin actual help.

Abnormal.Thoughts 2/10/2021 - 8:15 am

I’ve called the suicide help line before, it was useless, all they did was give me some contact information for mental health places near me, because that should help in the middle of the night for someone who doesn’t have the energy (or insurance) to look into it.
I don’t know what would actually help, I hope your doctor doesn’t give you too much trouble. Self harm can be a slippery slope, I was clean 7 years and then one day I just snapped. I decided I wasn’t going to carry the shame with it this time though, if it’s what I need to cope and not die, so be it. I’m not running around showing off my cuts or anything, I still hide them, but I made up my mind that I won’t feel guilty for doing it.

elleInWi 2/10/2021 - 10:51 am

Yea i laugh when people suggest a hot line to me. The only depressing thing is how all my family and friends have turned their backs on me but yet keep in touch just enough for me to assure em im still alive. Like dont kill yourself because then we cant actively ignore you to the point where youre destroying your body again.
I wish my mother was alive, she was the only 1 who never gave up on me. But she died in my arms when we were camping last august.

Abnormal.Thoughts 2/12/2021 - 9:16 am

That’s horrible, I’m so sorry.

JudgeMeNot 2/10/2021 - 8:14 pm

That’s rough hope it works in you’re favor.

Almostdeadguy123 2/18/2021 - 11:31 am

I had a similar experience once, I was being bullied so I was late A LOT in school, so a counselor decided to talk to me. Well, once I told her the truth as she told me to tell her she then told me that she cant help and that I need to tell my parents (theyre separated) and my moms abroad and ask them for a therapist. Lmao, I gave up on asking for “help” a long time ago, they only wanna “help” people who act suicidal, not people who are actually in need of help.

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