disclaimer; this is going to be a post where I talk about my personal faith journey. If you believe differently, it’s not for you. I fully support and advocate for your right to call me wrong, but I’m a little raw so if you have to, do it politely and respectfully. If this isn’t your thing, the back button is a very effective workaround.
I don’t know how many apostate Christians have this experience;
You wake up on a Sunday morning, and you’re feeling so blah about everything that you put a church service on the screen. Every song, every plea for donations through the meat and potatoes of a church service remind you of what is wrong with Christianity, and why you are an apostate. Then the sermon comes around and speaks specifically, frustratingly so to where you are in your faith journey. Often times prayer seems like a one sided conversation, and talking to others about faith is all we get in return.
Simply put; I don’t expect anything out of God. ANYTHING to be clear is more than I expected. I don’t doubt his ability, I doubt his initiative and willpower because I’ve seen prayers he answers, and those he lets die and it isn’t remotely predictable. Today’s subject was “cancel the funeral”, all about not giving up on your dreams. See, Hope is a toxin I already overdosed on. I can’t actually believe it is going to get better unless it is. We’ve got to work with where we are. God can be part of that conversation, in fact I welcome and beg him for such participation, but in my life it’s been sporadic.
Irony (or not) giving up on trying to work with the fundamentally broken society I live in is my one suicidal dream. I’m trying to do it without dying, and it isn’t easy. What I’ve figured out is that the majority of normal people are fundamentally complacent. They believe that things will work out well, because if they didn’t they’d end it because it’s a pretty darn bleak world. That’s toxic, and trying to call it faith is fooling yourself. Lying to yourself is not growing closer to God, it’s putting in things that will hobble your relationship.
Not that I have any room to claim a healthy relationship with God. For the past eight years I have not tithed, attended church regularly, or any of the “active efforts” Christians are supposed to do. I’m functionally agnostic, because I don’t get how throwing away 10% of my income elevates the kingdom of God, when most churches spend it on newer buildings, concert quality broadcast equipment, coffee shops in the lobby. In short, I’ve yet to find a church that is faithful with tithes as they expect their followers to be. It’s all hollow Reagan era self aggrandizement.
So this is me; ready for God whenever and however he wants to manifest, but not capable of betraying my basic beliefs to be part of a hypocritical movement. I get better compassion and empathy out of atheists and other agnostics, because THEY understand why people are leaving the church. There’s a great hunger for an honest faith, but Christianity is a long way away from being able to see it.
5 comments
hey! you’re still not dead! 🙂
i believe in many things, beautiful things, that are like, completely incompatible with western culture, and could be perceived by many people to be naive and childish, despite being scientifically proven and accurate.
i don’t understand religion though. i don’t understand the ideas of sexuality and romance perpetuated by patriarchs of the hollywood and porn industry.
it’s impossible for me to bring people up, i mostly just feel powerless and would point to the culture and the environment – why even bother with any of those if none of it works.
the greater the apparent public kindness, the more completely a thing must be investigated. Few polished gems are without fault, rather they are cut and shined to appear appealing, put them in a rock tumbler and you’ll see them for the meager stones they are… if you catch my metaphor
well… the other thing that i do believe in is doomsday, so that’s another reason why i don’t feel adequate to even attempt to support other people
Going to a church building and giving charlatans your money for their new jets and mansions isn’t Christianity. Most of what you see now is apostate. I believe in God and wouldn’t even think about ending my life if I didn’t know I was going to heaven. Am I happy with God and the life he gave me? Hell no. Im pissed and can’t wait for him to explain why I was even born.
I go to a most humble church. The pastor has a minivan. We have a coffee maker. The amp is at least 20 years old. I am happy with being a Christian but I hurt deeply from the soul murdering abuse I suffered in child hood.
The preachers doing the jet thing are feeding their own appetites, not their flocks needs. This type of preacher has been around at least as long as Christianity itself. They are a dry cloud.