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I guess that I’ll just have to give in.

by LeaveMeAlone.

I have tried for what feels like an extremely long time to keep my delusions from consuming me. I remove one way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove yet another way to cope, and then I’m back at the beginning. My bad habits hungrily chasing after me. My delusions of paranoia, superiority, the feeling that I NEED to be isolated, I try so fucking hard not to give in to them. But then, when I don’t… Am I really me? I woke up with sleep paralysis today, I guess. There was a person standing just out of my view. He was tapping on some things around him every 30 seconds or so. Exploring his surroundings I guess. I couldn’t see him, so I didn’t know what he was doing. I couldn’t move at all. I tried to. I was so curious, but because I couldn’t move I got even more curious. I wasn’t very scared, until I tried to move, and I could feel myself moving, I could feel myself touching the things around me with my hands, though I still couldn’t move my back at all, and I FELT THEM. But I wasn’t actually moving at all. I felt like I was moving, but I was completely still. When I got scared after that, I heard a long sigh from the direction of the person that was observing me, and about ten seconds later I could move again. Then, a few minutes later, my mother came into my room and told me it was time to wake up. I was already awake though, but I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. That was around 10 in the morning. I saw because I picked up my phone and looked. Then I thought, “There’s no point in doing anything today. If I could, I would erase this day and pretend it never happened.” I have to get up before 9 in the morning and eat breakfast and do exercise at least one time every day… if I don’t wake up before 9, I might as well lie in bed all day. There’s not really any reason to do anything else. The worst part about my delusions are, even though I KNOW, that no one is in my room… I can’t help but think that I’m not alone. That there are people watching me, invisible. Laughing at me whenever I harm myself in any way. Doing the best they can to make me forget everything that’s important to me and only be left with the need to isolate myself and the refusal to even attempt to make anything better for myself. One day I’m one person, the next day I’m a different person, the next day I’m yet another person. I see darkness flashing every few hours. Not because I blink. My vision disappears then comes back in less than one second. Something covers my view. I feel like there’s always something covering my view. I can’t see clearly, but there’s nothing wrong with my eyes. Everything looks like it’s shaking extremely fast but so little that it’s barely noticable. It’s really disturbing. I wish there was a way for me to get better. I really do. But when my mind never cooperates with me… when my personality and memories change every day… how am I supposed to solve anything? How am I supposed to know who I am if the memories I had yesterday are completely different from today, and my interpretations of those memories are completely different each day. How can I tell if anything is real when I feel like there’s some minor detail that’s missing from everything… like something has been removed from everything I can see. Like there’s a tiny, barely noticable difference between every object whenever I look at it. How? How? HOW? When I see light and darkness flashing every few minutes. When I can’t even tell if I’m sleeping or awake. How? I don’t understand. How? How am I supposed to change when I never remain the same? How am I supposed to change when my mind is constantly working against me? How am I supposed to do anything when I can’t even trust my own memories? My own feelings? Anything at all. There’s nothing. There’s no one. It’s everything and nothing, happening at the same time as my body slowly deteriorates every day. I’m not even physically capable of standing up more than maybe half an hour anymore. I can’t do anything properly. How am I supposed to live when nothing works? Not me. Only me. Who? Am I me? How can I be sure? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I really don’t know. And why don’t I care? Why am I so indifferent? Why is it, that my whole life is falling apart and I feel completely apathetic, while really really really deep inside I’m panicking in every moment? How? How do I escape from the maze that I have created inside my own head? I’m stuck inside my head and I can’t escape. I escaped, and now I can’t find the way out. I need help, but no one can help me. No one can. No one can… Maybe I should just give in. Give in. I can’t fight it, that only makes it worse. I can’t be complacent. I can’t give up either. I don’t want to give in to my own delusions. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. I’m so exhausted. I need to rest. But how am I supposed to rest, when it’s the only thing I do, and I still feel exhausted? I can’t sleep, I feel horrible when I sleep, after I wake up, before I fall asleep. I can’t stay awake either. What am I supposed to do then? It’s not like I can just fight the need I have to sleep. I can’t. I need to sleep. But… I don’t want to. I don’t want anything. Some other person that lived here wanted it to get better. To be like the past. To me, the past and the future never existed and never will exist. It’s just the eternal present that exists, and I don’t care what happens in the eternal present BUT I DO! I care about what happens to me! Actually, both. No one wants to be here, but no one wants to leave. There are so many people living in MY HEAD.. MY HEAD. THEY NEED TO LEAVE. It’s not my head anymore. It belongs to everyone that lives in it. They are all parts of me. How does that work? They don’t know. They want to live. So I can’t kill myself. I have to sustain them. I have to sustain the people leeching on me from inside my brain. How are there even different people than me in my head? This didn’t have to be like this, but it turned out that way, that’s how it works. Not good or bad or neutral. It just happens. No point in judging because I don’t want to be judged. They are as much a part of me as I am a part of them, but I refuse to coexist with them. I hate this, they hate this too. Why can’t I be one? There’s only one of me so why are there many inside my head? Did I do this to myself? Did they do this to me? They are me and I am them. We are one but we are not the same. This is exhausting and frustrating to deal with. We are in a pretty terrible situation. It’s me, not we. We is more appropiate. Me sounds better. Who cares I CARE I CARE I CARE. Happy to be integrated into myself. Do I coexist? Happy to coexist. We are one so we are just one person. Separate the many from the one. My body and my mind are not the same. There is only one body but it has many masters. There should only be one. This is boring. I don’t feel anything anymore. Relating to emotions. My body still hurts. My mind is just restless. Separating into many pieces due to lack of social interaction. The only defense mechanism available. Sorry. It works. I am an application without a purpose. We are all connected, but we are also separated. The internet connects everyone. No matter where you go, we are always connected. Everyone. In one way or another. No one escapes from the web of humanity because we are naturally drawn towards each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive, negative, or neutral, everyone is connected in some way, even to the ones they have never and will never meet. Maybe you hold on to someone special. A stronger connection than the usual, that’s it. The earth is just a giant web of people. I wish it would end. I don’t want to be here, but I have nowhere to go. It’s ironic and paradoxical. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave but I don’t want to stay. It’s the same thing. My head feels like a boulder weighing down on my neck, shoulders and back. It’s so heavy. So. Heavy. So. Heavy. I guess that means I have to sleep now. I wonder if I will remember writing this tomorrow.

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7 comments

heartlessviking 4/11/2021 - 7:32 pm

I think there is a fundamental submission required for any out of this world trip. We only travel there because we couldn’t find answers in the conventional. Maladaption or not, you did it, you desired something in that direction. You want to matter, all the while experience that you probably don’t, or is that just me? I’ve been through psychosis. I came out a different person than I went in, and now for the most part my medications keep me nailed to the siding that we call reality. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, and everything. Sometimes I think about the myth that the world was sung into being, and animal life is how the world sung back. It makes me hope mine is a soulfull funky song, one that crawls into your heart and breaks it. Then I remember that the song, and even my experience of self is no more or less real than my experience of everything else, and I lean into that uncertaintly, with the hope that maybe I’m just make believe, a strange imagining by another mind.

ivygradhc 4/11/2021 - 8:08 pm

Hi Leavemealone:

My guess by what you have wrote is that you are much younger than me. Your last few comments of not wanting to live and not wanting to die touched me as I have had that feeling for almost 50 years of my life. To define it it is a wish to just disappear from it all. That his how it has been for me. Well the positive here is that I am 60 and had the same feelings you describe today, and I made it these 50 years since it all started. It goes in cycles and gets better. It may dip down again but it gets better again. Please see that. For me it took several years and is ongoing. A combination of the right therapist (Do your best to follow advise, but if the feeling is you do not trust them, then find a new one and fire the old one. It took me a few tries for that but It does work). Maybe you can give this advise to someone many years from now as well….

system 4/11/2021 - 11:58 pm

“My body and my mind are not the same”
What this really sounds like is dissociation. Possibly on its own, or DPDR (Depersonalization Derealization Disorder). That out-of-body feeling is terrifying. You’re locked out of your vessel. You don’t exist, you’re watching yourself in a movie. I highly suggest seeking a therapist who specializes in hallucinations and dissociation, as it seems to be really prevalent in your day to day life.

I have DDnoS (more specifically OSDD), and I completely understand what you mean when you say “There are so many people living in MY HEAD”
I know it’s loud. I know there’s no privacy. I have 3 alters (that I know of). It really, really seems like there’s some fragmentation that’s occurred for you. Do some research on DID and OSDD, you may find some things you relate to.

system 4/12/2021 - 12:01 am

Also, I had made a post talking about tactile hallucinations a little while ago. Sometimes knowing you’re not alone in those feelings can help: https://suicideproject.org/2021/03/feeling-things-that-arent-really-there/

blue_dude15 4/12/2021 - 3:52 am

I agree that it sounds like dissociation and possibly DID.

system 4/12/2021 - 4:28 am

I highly doubt it’s DID. OP’s parts aren’t distinct enough for it to be DID, so I think they might have the same thing I do.

blue_dude15 4/12/2021 - 4:47 am

true, you have point.

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