“I contribute nothing. I’m useless. I need to stop acting like I’m depressed and start working.” Those are my mother’s words, not mine. If I talk back I get punished, if I try to help I get humiliated and degraded. Why should I be alive anyway? It’s not like I make anyone’s day better. It’s not like I’m helping anyone. Even the times I have helped someone, it must have been something I imagined because no one else remembers me ever helping anyone. Like, what am I even supposed to do? Everything just gets taken away from me. My parents just undermine all my efforts and call me useless. They’ve always done this, I’ve always been everyone’s scapegoat. And if I get sad or mad about it, I get punished because clearly I’m so sensitive, and so mean and lazy and arrogant. Not even God loves me. Not to be religious, but I was told in a dream that no matter what I did, I would never go to heaven. No matter how hard I try, nothing I ever do will be appreciated by anyone because I’m just not good enough. Not good enough to even hit the bare minimum of what I’m supposed to do. And not a single person cares about me. No friend, no family member, no one. I mean, why should they, I’m an asshole to literally everyone. I don’t respond when someone speaks to me, I don’t respect anyone, and the only friends I ever had I got through extorting them. I guess this is karma? For everything I’ve done. I fucked up when I didn’t know any better so now I’m depressed and I deserve to die. That’s what it feels like anyway. I don’t really believe in anything, I don’t dream anything at all, I don’t even have nightmares anymore. My sleep isn’t anywhere near good enough for that. I even take pills that are supposed to make me sleep better and eat more but I’ve been taking them for about 5 weeks and I feel worse than when I started to take them. And I know that my life isn’t going to magically become better anytime soon. Why would it? That’s not how this works. The way it works is that I feel a crushing weight on my shoulders and get bullied for carrying it. By my own mother. Who can’t stop talking about how much better she is than me. How little I help her out. How good my brothers grades are. She really can’t stop comparing me to others. She’s just so determined to make me feel guilty about being depressed. Why would I respect someone like that? And if I told her about any of this she would just laugh at me and tell me that I’m way too sensitive. Then she would go on about how, “a regular person wouldn’t be offended by this”, and then she would start talking about herself and how she is so much better than me im every possible way. Great parenting. Fuck this man. I hate life.