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The more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

by LeaveMeAlone.

“I contribute nothing. I’m useless. I need to stop acting like I’m depressed and start working.” Those are my mother’s words, not mine. If I talk back I get punished, if I try to help I get humiliated and degraded. Why should I be alive anyway? It’s not like I make anyone’s day better. It’s not like I’m helping anyone. Even the times I have helped someone, it must have been something I imagined because no one else remembers me ever helping anyone. Like, what am I even supposed to do? Everything just gets taken away from me. My parents just undermine all my efforts and call me useless. They’ve always done this, I’ve always been everyone’s scapegoat. And if I get sad or mad about it, I get punished because clearly I’m so sensitive, and so mean and lazy and arrogant. Not even God loves me. Not to be religious, but I was told in a dream that no matter what I did, I would never go to heaven. No matter how hard I try, nothing I ever do will be appreciated by anyone because I’m just not good enough. Not good enough to even hit the bare minimum of what I’m supposed to do. And not a single person cares about me. No friend, no family member, no one. I mean, why should they, I’m an asshole to literally everyone. I don’t respond when someone speaks to me, I don’t respect anyone, and the only friends I ever had I got through extorting them. I guess this is karma? For everything I’ve done. I fucked up when I didn’t know any better so now I’m depressed and I deserve to die. That’s what it feels like anyway. I don’t really believe in anything, I don’t dream anything at all, I don’t even have nightmares anymore. My sleep isn’t anywhere near good enough for that. I even take pills that are supposed to make me sleep better and eat more but I’ve been taking them for about 5 weeks and I feel worse than when I started to take them. And I know that my life isn’t going to magically become better anytime soon. Why would it? That’s not how this works. The way it works is that I feel a crushing weight on my shoulders and get bullied for carrying it. By my own mother. Who can’t stop talking about how much better she is than me. How little I help her out. How good my brothers grades are. She really can’t stop comparing me to others. She’s just so determined to make me feel guilty about being depressed. Why would I respect someone like that? And if I told her about any of this she would just laugh at me and tell me that I’m way too sensitive. Then she would go on about how, “a regular person wouldn’t be offended by this”, and then she would start talking about herself and how she is so much better than me im every possible way. Great parenting. Fuck this man. I hate life.


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SadG 5/30/2021 - 9:37 pm

It sucks. But you shouldn’t hold it over yourself in life. I know saying to let go off it is sort of a cop out too but how else would you be able to live your life. It sucks constantly being compared to family or having to take meds for an issue you were told you can only manage through meds. It sucks being apart of an unsupportive family system which inhibits you and hinders your growth in life. You could give in/succumb to it all or find yourself on the outside of it all looking at it and being able to deconstruct it all and repurpose that suffering for something that matters maybe anything that can be positive for you in life. I am going to level with you… I have everything I could ever need in this life but my greatest issue is myself .No one is telling me I am the issue though this is entirely internal. But the way I see it is that I don’t know exactly what to do and that leads to me not caring about myself or neglecting to give myself the love/attention I need or deserve. I am very much loved so I am blessed in that sense and I love everything and everyone in my life but I hate my current self and struggle to cope with myself and how I currently exist. If you hate your current self, just like me even if our circumstances our seemingly different, than maybe you should consider changing or taking yourself apart in a constructive way as to build a more positive relationship with life. You don’t have to love your family either this is purely for yourself and because you deserve to feel different about yourself and not like you currently do it doesn’t matter if you be selfish for yourself in that respect. Figure out little by little what you really want to do with life and give yourself space from your family and time to grow without their every watch or influence. If they haven’t been influencing you right its time to branch out and see the world and not be totally afraid of everything if they question you respond in kind that you are trying to get a move on with your life so they don’t have to worry about you anymore. They might be acting like how they are simply because of the shock and disbelief of how you are living but respond in poor ways just like how you are mad and angry at them for being that way with you. They are trying to illicit a response from you and I will tell you now that you don’t need a response but something inside you has gotta click and you’ve gotta live your life. Its mean and I apologize but fuck ’em you should just go out and live your life no fucks given and gain experience doing whatever the hell you’d decide on doing on whatever day you wanna leave the house to stop being around family all the time. I am not telling you to run away but just to see the outside world. I know we live in the times we live in but honestly why are you gonna put your life on hold when you can go and do so many fun and interesting things with or without money even. Currently I am about to undergo major life changes and figure out that I have all these major physical health issues which have exacerbated mental issues I already have just because I am so fucking stupid and I tried living on autopilot and trusting the medicines making things worse. Please don’t let it get to that point for yourself if you are still healthy enough to be able to do thing but lack the mental energy to be able to do it. Give those meds time to work properly its gunna take months for that shit to really kick in and work however its supposed to. But get you blood panels checked regularly so you don’t build up toxicity within yourself unknowingly like me.

afval 6/23/2021 - 7:03 am

I know exactly how you feel my mother/family are the same they

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