I Died Inside

I woke up today feeling absolutely dreadful. Getting up was so difficult to do; I was struggling in bed just wanting to sleep or, better yet, to die. I knew that I was going to be late to Homeroom but I didn’t care. It took me around ten minutes just to get my laptop from the drawer of the nightstand next to my bed.

It’s so beautiful outside, but it feels wrong. The stunning appearance of experience is a deceitful facade that conceals its horrors. I’m looking out the window right now and thinking, “How is it that the world has so many beautiful things in it yet life is so horrible?”

I’m suffering from crippling anxiety right now. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t even reassure myself anymore because I’m entirely convinced that my fears are accurate.

I couldn’t finish my essay in English class today because my ability to do the task was nearly nonexistent. I remember just a matter of months ago when I was able to finish my essays before everyone else did. The standardized test for English is on Thursday. I’m fucked.

I was trying to make an early plan for college but in the back of my mind I kept thinking, “Why even bother? I just want to die.” That thought almost always comes into my mind whenever I want to get something done. I don’t see a point in anything. I can’t feel genuine happiness anymore. I’m tired of all of it. I just want my life back.