rambling

past my appointment because I’m scared of needles.

I need to get this disability diagnosed so I can get help, because it’s preventing me from getting a job. I’ve never had a job in my life because my mental illness combined with not being able to stand for more than 30 minutes some days means no one wants to hire me. I don’t have any qualifications that would make someone want to hire me. I make myself sound as good as I can on paper and yet no one wants to hire me, and even if I did get hired I can’t handle the job because of my disability.

The only thing I can do is creative work like music and writing, but my mental illness gets in the way of that so much. Some days I don’t even do anything. I just can’t. The pain is so bad in my body and my mind. Despite that, I’ve done my best, and released a few albums – but I’ve never sold a single one.

This lack of income means I’m stuck living with my narcissistic mother and my brother who takes her side. Dad’s dead so I can’t move out with him. I’m stuck here with no way out and I usually don’t get more than a meal a day. It’s maddening with the already constant pain in my body to be denied food. My mother keeps pushing me to try to get on disability for my mental illness rather than trying to get my physical disability diagnosed because “it wouldn’t matter anyway” and if I get on disability, she wants the money from my disability as rent. So, I’m really stuck.

All of this is to say I’m suicidal because I feel worthless and useless – like I have no direction and that I’ll never achieve anything, or even get out of this hell. I can’t even do the first step, getting a simple blood test. I burden all of my friends with my baggage. I can’t talk about all of this with my therapist because I’ll be put in inpatient, and then I’ll want to kill myself much more. It’s genuinely safer for me to be out of the hospital so I can talk to people and use my coping mechanisms like going on forums. I thought maybe I could talk about it here, but it’s a lot to put into one post.

I dont have any suicide plans, despite all of this. I’ve always been too afraid to try. I keep clinging to that small hope that things can get better but it’s torturing me to do so. My suicide ideation has been going up lately, and I keep imagining it. I know it wouldn’t be as painless and nice as my imagination, but the imagery is there nonetheless.

All of that said, nice to meet you all.