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Things are Getting Awful

by ravenna121

I’m so sick and tired of living this nightmare that is my life. I have been deprived of all happiness and feel nothing but pain. Life is a terror and bad things keep happening to me. I don’t feel safe at all. I’m not even me anymore. My mind is deteriorating and I have trouble thinking straight at times. I feel extreme, unbearable anxiety that makes me feel like I’m dying.  I loathe myself and wish I never existed. I wish I had been fucking aborted at least, goddamnit. Things will never get better. There’s no way out at this point; it’s too late to save myself. I should have done something about it earlier but I didn’t because I’m a stupid idiot. I feel so sad and anxious all the time to the point that I can’t sit and just read a fucking book anymore (I miss doing that). I wish I had a shoulder to cry on but it’s not like I can open up to my parents about how I feel because I’m only sad because I’m uNgRaTeFuL. I want to die. I’m so sad and I can hardly bear it anymore. Life is so horrible and painful. It’s only a matter of time until I lose my mind completely.

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3 comments

PPPP3 6/3/2021 - 2:51 am

I’m curious how old you are? Not that it matters because the feelings you describe so well are definitely from a chemical type of imbalance- Eg. Major depression with anxiety, and I’ll guess you likely have panic attacks and few other symptoms too. Please get a thorough medical exam and meds to ease your symptoms. If you already take psychotropic drugs, it’s time for reevaluation and a change. Wishing you the best towards healing, peace and positive thoughts. Trust me, you deserve it. Btw, Stop calling yourself bad names like “stupid”; Even though you feel that way, I’M SURE it’s not true. Everyone makes mistakes. That’s just life, but no reflection of you personally or your value. Please remember that.

ravenna121 6/3/2021 - 9:37 pm

I’m 15. I’m not on any medications and I don’t think I will be because I’m afraid of telling my parents just to get my feelings brushed off as something that I should just get over. Also, it’s hard to not see myself as stupid or a failure despite everything that tells me I’m not when I’m feeling this way.

heartlessviking 6/3/2021 - 10:16 pm

How you feel matters, and you matter. I’ve often been right where you are, and in fact right now am feeling rather useless and of low worth. The thing that helps me hold it together is the realization that perception does not always accurately reflect how things really are. I’ll go one further too, no amount of effort can bring even half of humanity to absolute reality. Illusions are everywhere.

there are things you can control, some over which you have limited control, and others that you have no control over at all. If you define yourself by how you believe others see you, it’s going to have negative effects on your health, because other people can be cruel. It’s hard work to learn to treat yourself better, but I’m told by people who have managed it that it is worthwhile. Take that as you will.

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