I think I’ve gone off the deep end.
In the time and place at which I am writing this, it is almost 4 in the afternoon. If I hadn’t intervened 3 hours ago, I would likely still be in bed right now, oscillating between being asleep and being awake. Last night I fell asleep at around 4:30 in the morning, and even then it took a lot of effort to close my eyes for good. I never thought I could be so pathetic.
I haven’t done anything all day. I have no energy for anything anymore. I can’t even do things that I had wanted to do. I spent most of today ruminating on how much I hate myself, bad memories, and mistakes I’ve made. I feel like nobody cares about me. None of my friends have responded to my messages yet. I don’t even know why I bother.
I wish I was never born. The world would have been better off without me. I had a promising future and was passionate, but depression came and took all of that away. And it had the audacity to take my life away just as I was getting started with it.
I am an empty, contemptible shell of my former self.
5 comments
I know this may sound odd, but what are you dreams? What do you want the most in this life that would make you take off your mind from ending it? I know everyone has that one thing.
I don’t want anything. I just want to cease my existence.
I can relate to you on that. Not caring for life, sleeping all day, sometimes eating and sometimes not eating, lost of things u enjoy, isolating yourself from others, a very blue mood, and just giving it. I’ve been through and it’s not an easy ride to get through. To be honest, I still have my days. Medicine could be an option, but I know it doesn’t work for anyone. Therapy is another and again, I know that doesn’t always works for everyone. You have to developed some coping skills. You have to push through the darkness and force yourself to do those things you enjoy. It won’t be easy and it will be challenging. There will be pain and there will come times you want to give up, but that’s the process of it. I hope I helped in some way. I have MDD, so I know what it can do to a person.
I can’t get therapy or medication because I’m a minor and my parents refuse to recognize my mental health issues. I’ll try forcing myself to pick up my old interests again though. Thanks.
Hi there. Can you expound on your ‘former self’ and who that person was? I ask because I’ve also lost sight of that passionate, promising life I once had and I don’t know how I lost it. You said depression took yours away, and broadly speaking that’s what happened to me. But isn’t that also a cop out? Shouldn’t we be the same person we were, depression or not, and defined by the same personality that we once had, even though there is now a thick veil over us? I don’t know but maybe you have some answers or thoughts…