My existence is embarrassing.

Everywhere I go I feel like everyone is watching me. Its embarrassing going anywhere the way I am, I hate my body and I want to change it but I always fuck it up. I hate going to work looking the way I do, its so embarrassing. That’s not the only thing though, I look around and see all these people who have friends and a life, and I wonder why I can’t just be normal like them. Why is it so hard for me to just do normal things? I have completely fucked my life over in every way and I don’t think I can ever get it back or be normal and have a life, and it is all my fucking fault. I stopped going to school and did online school but I haven’t done any of my school work in months, I should be a junior but I probably haven’t made it passed freshmen level. I cut all my friends off a couple years ago and now I have no one. My body is disgusting, I have been trying to eat healthy and exercise and I will for a while, but I always end up bingeing but I do keep trying. I know I could never make friends because I’m so boring, there is nothing interesting about me, that’s my fault too, I could try to have more hobbies and try new things but I don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I feel fine for a week or at least just numb, then I feel everything and it just hurts so bad its unbearable, it’s a cycle that just happens over and over again. Like one day I don’t care about anything I’m not bothered by all these things I am now, its like its all okay and none of it matters, but then the next its like everything is bad and there is no point in living.