losing a loved one

no one understands me, no one knows how much i suffer everyday, i cant believe im depressed again. i lost my loved one, i wish i was better for them, i wish i brought myself to show love and affection, i couldnt, i couldnt even keep myself up while im being stressed from school and everything, its so hard for me after the 4th(?) break up, it killed me, no matter how much i love him nothing will be the same. i dont wanna be with him anymore but i do, im confused, im so confused, i dont know what i want but all i know is that i love him, i love him so much, i lost the only person that never used me for sexual stuff and truly loved me, he was my best friend and a lover at the same  time, he was as fucked as me, we loved the same stuff and he was the only one i was rlly open to, ive told him stuff that i never did to anyone else, he was special to me… now hes gone, i wanna believe that everything will be okay and i wont be hurt anymore and miss him, but the problem is that he’ll still have a place in my heart. ive never loved someone this much before, i felt like my first real love, i never understood how old people still have feelings for each other, but now i do.. thanks to him. i just wish everything was okay and the relationship wasnt toxic, it was the best relationship ive ever had..sadly its the real end now, i ruined everything, if only i wasnt this stupid to bring my depression back id be better for him. i think of him all day everyday, i miss him so much every second, i dont wanna be w someone else.. i just need him… our memories, its all gone now, it hurts so bad, but what hurts even more is that even if we got back again it wouldnt be the same. his name that i have on myself as a scar will be the forever.. even my dog reminds me of him because he liked her so much. his precious voice..his face, everything is gone now, i feel so lonely.. i just need a hug