Erase me

suicide transfers a lot of the pain you experience to the people who know you. please try not to do that to your kids. i know you’re convinced that they’ll be better off, but they’ll have a lifetime of pain and confusion if you kill yourself. they’ll wonder why they weren’t worth staying alive for.
don’t get me wrong, i know suicidal feelings don’t listen to logic or anything like that. i know, i’ve been there.
i don’t care how other people will feel when i die – i don’t have children and no one needs me. no one notices whether i exist or not.
so i get it.
i just wanted to challenge the idea that they don’t want you around and would feel better off.
even if they don’t like you, even if you don’t mean much to them, it will still affect their lives forever if you kill yourself.
if you don’t care about that, that’s fair. but maybe at least make sure they have a guardian set up before you do it, and make sure you find a way to let them know as much information as possible about why you did it. and don’t kid yourself that you’re doing it for them – you’re doing it to ease your own pain at the expense of their wellbeing.
your death might benefit them financially but it won’t help them on the inside.
they will have so many questions as they try to find their way through life after your suicide.
and the person who ends up taking care of them might not keep promises to tell your kids anything you want them to know. if you write letters, your kids might never see them. people might lie or withhold information about you from them and they won’t have much consolation for the pain you’ll give them.
if you don’t care, you don’t care…but at least be honest about that.

if you’re able to endure surviving, please consider that you are enduring all that pain so they don’t have to feel as much pain themselves.
there’s a purpose to suffering through your life as long as you can – you can spare them from feeling so much of what you feel if you continue to take that burden of pain onto yourself.

I know that society teaches us that all that matters is money and usefulness. While I think suicidal people ARE useful in their efforts to stay alive and hold onto their pain themselves, I also think it isn’t true that we have a duty to be useful all the time.

that myth is one of the reasons life hurts so much, in my opinion.

We’re more than just our ability to earn money or provide for others.
we have a right to exist and NOT be useful to others.
we have a right to be a burden in a lot of ways – no earthling creature signs a form agreeing to be 100% contributive prior to their birth.
we don’t even consent to being born – so how can we take on an entire existential responsibility to never do harm and only be useful and perfect all our lives?

you are more than your insurance money – even if no one likes you or cares about you.

You have a right to exist because you already do. that’s good enough for all the plants and animals and creatures on earth. they don’t have insurance policies or justifications to exist. they just do.

You don’t have to end it for the money.