Life feels pointless

I haven’t been on here for a while… because I thought maybe if I stayed away from the things that brought me comfort and validated my want for dying I’d feel less like dying…. I tried medications only to have been forced off them. Only to have to handle the judgement and criticism of my family. Because they’re perfect and I’m not. Today I found myself searching up ways to end my life. A day before my birthday. And every year I only want to die more…. What is the point of living. What’s the point of anything. I’m scared that if I do it my younger siblings will learn from it do the same become depressed….. I know it’d affect them they’re the only ones that care even if it’s a little…. My fear is that they’re young still and I don’t want to traumatize them…. But all in all I want to leave so badly. I don’t want to see another birthday I don’t want hypocritical hugs and cakes gifts…. I want it all to stop. I want life to stop.