It seems to me that the overwhelming majority of the suffering that I’ve experienced in my life comes from frustrated desire. From feeling or believing that something is really important and I should do something to attain it, yet simultaneously feeling or believing that it is beyond my reach. Beyond my reach, but not totally impossible. There’s just enough hope there that I can still torture myself with imagining that if I just found the right way, it could somehow be fulfilled. But never enough that it feels tangible, or really worth pursuing.
It’s such a waste of life and emotion. But I’ve never known how to accept it or move on. How to stop wanting something – nobody ever teaches you that. At least, no one taught me.
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This is exactly how I feel regarding porn. Since I found my dad’s magazines as a young teen, I’ve desired to be with extremely hot women that will do the nastiest things. It’s turned me into a complete pig, really. But of course, none of that is truly realistic, and so I suffer because I desire something I can’t have, and that feeds itself right back into the addiction. I find it difficult sometimes to appreciate the woman I have now, just because there’s that other side of me that desires. I wish I had never started. I actually DID go blind, but not in the way I expected.
Sorry if this is too honest and awkward.
That makes a lot of sense, and I can very much relate. Thing is, you can quit porn, but once you’ve experienced that kind of desire, how do you go back to not wanting it? How do you let go of something that feels that compelling?
Personally, I’m extra screwed up, because even a normal relationship feels unrealistic for me. So I suffer from desire for that, whilst knowing that on some level, I might not even appreciate it if I somehow found it.
Hmm, I see. That does sound difficult. This all makes me want to revisit Buddhism a bit more, the parts about suffering coming from desire. I also wonder how things like this are different for women.
I am also curious why, from your perspective, a normal relationship seems unrealistic for you?
There are so many reasons a normal relationship feels unrealistic. The biggest is probably my personality – I can’t seem to bring myself to act normally, and I tend to avoid social situations whenever possible. So finding someone to put up with that is a big ask. Then there’s the fact I can’t really share much about my past with a partner. My finances are a mess, my prospects are poor, I don’t drive. A bunch of minor health and body issues. And I’m average looking (at best.) So many reasons to run a mile. I’m sure I could find someone crazy enough, but chances are that’s probably not someone I’d want to be with.
Yes, Buddhism does seem very insightful, though I’ve never been able to really internalize the message. Buddhists still pursue relationships and things they desire, but perhaps they do so in a healthier manner?
Hard to say. My guess would be that with (some) women, their frustrated desires are more focused on “the one who got away”, potential partners who seemed better than whoever they settled for.
I may be wrong, but the trick seems to be to try and want something else. Still working on it, but here’s how it goes;
something doesn’t need to be impossible to be a bad investment. It just needs to be too expensive, be it in money, time or energy. Every new thing I have chased in my life has appeared more practical than the last.
It started for me with the girl I just wasn’t going to get. It wasn’t due to a deficiency in any department, she just wasn’t interested, and that was her right. I wanted to be with her as bad as I had ever wanted anything. I had to break myself of that, and accept having someone else romantically. Then that cratered as well, and I decided to settle for good company, and that’s when I met my wife, and no further difficulties in the romance department (apart from finance and drug side effects which are petty by comparison)
The secret to happiness is low expectations. The trick is to become so self involved, so invested in things only you can change, and letting the rest figure itself out.
Control is a normal urge, and it is human nature to seek what you don’t have. You can go the eastern way and try to learn to not want, or come to terms with wanting things you may never have. I have no idea how to tell you to stop wanting stuff, you’re alive, that’s part of the contract.
Maybe instead of viewing it as a burden or mistake waiting to happen, try and view it as a way to grow, to become the best version of yourself. The best you can do is all you can reasonably expect of yourself. Others may criticize, but how realistic those are matters. If it is changes you can make, either make them or defend against why not. If it is impractical, figure out why and explain.
Tell the world who you are, don’t let it tell you. No one knows you better than you.
That’s very interesting, I’d be curious to know what “trying to want something else” entails – what it feels like internally, what you actually do to pursue it. I think I’ve observed other people around me manage to do it before, but I never really understood how they got there. How did you “break yourself” of wanting to be with the one person, and accept having someone else – what was that process like? I feel like there’ve been times when I’ve told myself to settle for a certain lower goal, and reasoned it all out as to why I should do so, but the emotional acceptance of that never kicks in, and a few hours later I find myself suffering over the original unattainable desire. Perhaps I just have the kind of stubborn personality that fixates on things.
I think I’m highly self-involved, but possibly not in the right way? Focussing on the things that only you can change does sound like a good approach. However, it is often tricky to figure out how realistic something is – my perception of reality constantly shifts back and forth.
It may be because my willpower has always been something I have to work at, when I discover something is a waste of effort, IE I’m going to put more into it than I can ever get out, it becomes an enemy of my success.
another example I’m working on right now is that I really wanted to be a clinical psychologist. I excelled in my studies and got along well with others in the field, and the prestige offered appeared to be worth the heartache of getting a PhD
Getting the PhD was never the problem, turns out, it’s getting admitted to the right program, which is on par with trying to make the Olympic team for a sport you’re pretty good at. Sure, it’s doable, but it takes years and years of back breaking effort, and you are more likely to end up with nothing than with something.
Which is why I am on the more nebulous path towards working as few hours as I have to, and investing myself in hobbies. Someday perhaps I’ll do well enough to return to academic pursuits, but the road to clinical psychology is probably just gone. If I return to academics, I’d like to be in a field where I am respected and paid enough to live on, neither of which psychology can provide.
I’m also entertaining the idea of getting a law degree, because logic really is my first love. If I was helping people, I think I could spend many hours occupied at legal study. It’s a maybe, an option. Right now I’m at peace with non being, not identifying with anything. I tried really hard, and now I’m resting and waiting for death. Not in a morbid way, just there’s nothing that exciting anymore.
there’s a They Might Be Giants song called “Dead”, which has an apt lyric;
“Now it’s over I’m dead and I haven’t done anything that I want, or I’m still alive and there’s nothing I want to do”
That all sounds very high-flying. So would you say that not being able to be a psychologist doesn’t significantly bother you anymore, that you’re over it? And did that just automatically happen when you realised how difficult it was going to be?
I suppose I can kind of relate to that, in that I used to want to be a journalist, until I realised how outgoing and persistent you needed to be to get interviews/stories. And it’s not something I find myself hurting over now. But I would still really like to do something with writing, so I guess I regret not finding some outlet for that ambition.
It bothers me, sure, but when it comes round to bother me I remind myself why it is not a productive outlet of my time. Right now I redirect into my desire for independence, and the lifestyle that comes with it.
my current gig is electrician apprentice, not an obvious choice but one that is sort of working out. There’s a shortage of tradesmen in my area, so employers are very accommodating. More to the point of my long term goals; it allows me to invest in tools and call it a business expense
I’m very seriously considering getting further into electrical infrastructure, it’s a growth industry and one that is relatively stimulating.
At the end of the day though, my proverbial bags are packed. I’m ready to abandon all current projects if a productive existence can be achieved elsewhere, and more efficiently. I used to think that I had a duty to provide service to others, what with my relative well off ness and education, but the work world has convinced me that is a path to early death and financial ruin.
So I don’t owe anyone anything. I spent more than 15 years trying to make other people happy, and now I’m going to make myself happy. I don’t intend to become cruel, but my boundaries are set much higher
Loving self is the essential ingredient, and the only path towards it is to try and become someone that impresses myself.
It sounds like you have a very disciplined mindset. That seems like a great career if you can handle the everyday interactions. People are always going to need help with essential infrastructure breaking down (unless AI & robotics become insanely developed, at which point all jobs become a thing of the past.)
I think someone can only say you have a “duty” to serve others once your own needs have been secured. If you get to the point where you have more money than you’ll ever need, then it’s time to think about giving back. Otherwise, I think it’s about whatever seems meaningful to you.
leaving a subscription here for personal consideration
Lol you’ve just organically uncovered the four noble truths of Buddhism, might be worth looking into
I imagine that might be because I’ve had more enlightened people explain them to me on numerous occasions throughout my life, but I’ve failed to actually integrate them into how I live. My intellect knows something my emotions refuse to accept (maybe).
Lots of philosophies say this same thing about suffering in different words, conclusions tend toward the same thing. Buddhism was just top of the mind today, and I’m more familiar with their concepts of how to address the suffering and wanting. Most of the time, when these ideas are brought up, the solution is not provided (or we hear the dominant Christian narrative on the solution, i.e., we deserve suffering and suffering will lead you to God, which doesn’t fix much of anything). Either way, there’s like 8 precepts in Buddhism that are things you can consider doing. I think some of em are so-so, but take what you think is valuable from them and leave the rest.
We actually covered Buddhism in school when I was a kid, and I’ve listened to a lot of podcasts by people influenced by Buddhist thought over the years, so I suppose I’ve unconsciously regurgitated some of those sentiments here. The thing is that although most of it makes sense to me, I never manage to actually apply it to my life. It’s like I’m allergic to it.
Honestly, it takes time to redirect focus onto something different. Wanting something, depending on how badly you want it, is supposed to drive an individual to doing whatever possible to obtaining that want. if you’ve driven yourself for so long, that this thing you want, hypothetically speaking, becomes a need in your own mind, it’s only natural that you need the time to now work around that suggested want.
I understand how you’re feeling (it’s taken me years to move past certain wants, from things or people, to my current trajectory), but really it’s just a matter of time, and maybe a bit of compromise. Do the thing that you can do that’s more logically within reach, and that could help the impossible feel much more possible. Or it’ll highlight said impossibilities, but you’ll have something close enough to hopefully satisfy you?
That’s really solid advice, thanks. When thinking about compromises/things I can actually do, I often feel like there’s no way it’ll ever satisfy me, so I lose motivation. And I suppose I’m also scared of having impossibilities more clearly reinforced in my mind, increasing despair. But I suppose I’ll never know until I pursue those options to their endpoint.