Lately I keep remembering this sentence a classmate once said, an answer for a question: “would you take the easy or hard way to success?” And I answered easy and he said, “why easy? Of course the hard way is more worth it.”
Is it though? By the years I’m realising that I just want everything to be easy because my BPD makes everything hard for me. Choice fatigue, career, studying, relationships; well everything is extra hard for me. It’s honestly frustrating that people seeing me don’t understand or see that I just can’t.
This world is hard. Life as a human is hard. I don’t think attempting anything is even worth it anymore because I’ll always fuck it up. I’m 25 and 2/3 of my life is just me feeling suicidal and lonely and empty. I don’t see the need to hold on even if someone could promise me a better future. I’d worked hard enough. I’m tired. I’m done.
I think most people just have to get it that living is not for everyone. It’s not for me. If you just throw me out into the streets I’ll not know what to do. Yeah because I don’t know how to live. I don’t want to as well. It’s not worth it. Living is not worth it.
Also there’s no use regretting however you acted to someone prior to their death. You acted however you did on the certainty that they’ll still be around for you. I mean, how could you be wrong? I hope nobody regrets my death.
When I’m alive I don’t feel appreciated. Neither do I feel cared. I have just one person I could rely on and even that is too pitiful a fate for them. How nice if they would just leave me to die.
Tldr. It’s okay to want the easy way. Life is hard. Let’s just not mock anyone choosing the simpler methods.
I’d lived nearly 25 years. If it’s meant for anything it would’ve happened. But nothing did. 25 years and I still haven’t got shit done. Because I can’t. It’s too embarrassing to even blame God at this point. This is all my fault.
Goodbye for now. I hope nobody misses me when I’m gone.
7 comments
I know what it’s like to have BPD controlling your life. It’s actually one of the hardest to treat as well. I would denfintly say relationships have destroyed me the most. Even though the other person was at fault. If you ever need someone to talk to, my email is: morganb58@yahoo.com.
Thank you. I do need people to talk to but more than that I need validation to the things I do.
I suggest, don’t think the ultimate goal is to accomplish something great in the eyes of others but to yourself (maybe even holding a 5min conversation), and if the easy way is for you, take it, don’t listen to the parameters of others, they only speak from their perspective, 1/4 century you have lived, and you don’t know but sometimes the best experiences in your life doesn’t happen but in month or weeks.
And even if you want to no one misses you it’s impossible, you don’t know if you inspired someone, who saw your struggles, it could be a stranger or someone you never talked to, people can see our qualities even if we don’t. I’ve seen greatness in strangers but never dared to tell them.
🙂
You’re right. Some days I do think highly of being able to just go out and eat because I really could not be bothered to nourish myself.
And yeah, about being missed… that’s the problem with existing as a human. We are actually never truly alone.
first, reread Jaeline’s comment, it’s worth your time.
Reading this I got to thinking once again on a subject often close to my mind; why do we think that there must be some display of function? Who are we trying to prove ourselves to?
In that question, being sick of performing, sick of trying to measure up, sick of working so hard to get nowhere is a HEALTHY MENTAL ATTITUDE. If we’re wasting our effort, isn’t that worth knowing? I think so.
I keep seeking some third path; not the expectations of the world, and not death, just being in some sort of existential purgatory fitting for such a joyless place as this world is sometimes.
I’m against death though, because death draws attention. In every place suicidal statistics are measured, they are treated with indifference. It’s like cancer, maybe someday they’ll work out a cure, but only because of the insurance burden.
I want to be left alone, of no consequence to anyone. That’s my third way for now, and maybe it can be for others.
Your comment makes so much sense you have no idea. It’s refreshing to see your perspective and I can say that I second your third way. I wish that’s my reality but unfortunately some people need me and I’m dependent on others to live. Ah.
I won’t write a big thing like the others because I’m tired but: everything you said was what my day included. It’s kinda uncanny when that happens. “Easy” tasks take a lot of time for me to overthink and it robs a lot of energy. The most spontaneous I get, is really when I’m an impulsive mess. I am close your age and yeah.. just thank you, for making me feel less hopeless for this evening 🙂