My Pathetic Life

When I was 4, my parents split up. My mother never fought for me. She just ran to another state. My brother and I ended up living my life with my father. My father got with another woman who was mentally ill. They had 2 more children together. That woman thought there were maggots and worms under our skin while our father was out working. That woman started to cut some of my skin off and only saw blood. My father got home eventually and found a puddle of blood on the floor. He argued with her for the longest time. After that, she locked me and my brother in a room with this stray dog. That dog had fleas all over it and we were covered in them. Our father had found us and threw us in the pool. I hate calling that person my mother. My father started drinking when I was 5. He was accused of raping our neighbor and spent 6 months in prison for assault after attacking a cop. He spent 6 months because he was innocent, but attacked a cop. A year later, when I was 6, they split up. My father was adopted by his grandmother and was raised in a cult with the Mennonites. After my father got divorced with that woman, he ended up going back to his grandmother, our great grandmother, with all of us. His grandmother was raising 7 other teenagers at the time. 2 years after we moved in, my father got a bit too drunk and ended up driving with us in the car, into a tree. Nobody was hurt, but it still terrorized us. My father went back inside and beat our aunt near death. It was all covered up by our Great grandmother. 2 years after that, when I was 10, My father found someone that he liked and ended up dating her. He stopped drinking when he did. A few months later, we moved in with our step mother. My biological mother was still in Ohio at the time. When I was 12, I was sent up to another state with my brother to visit her for a month. It turned out that she was dating abusive people. Her boyfriend was beating us with chains and having me and my brother pick poison ivy out of their yard with our bare hands. Our mother didn’t even care. Near the end of that month, He had us locked in the basement as he raped and murdered their neighbors 6 year old daughter in front of us. Eventually, he got 30 years in prison. I think he deserved the rest of his life there. 2 years after we came back, I was 14 and dealing with 9 siblings in the same house. Most of them annoyed me so much. My brother was the only one with a phone and I was curious about what he looks up. It turns out that my brother is a necrophilic zoophile that also likes child pornography. I resented him ever since then. I’m 15 now, but a couple months ago, I had a boyfriend that I didn’t tell my parents about. On October 28th, my parents found out and home-schooled me. On November 27th, My siblings were sleeping and I was having a conversation with my parents about how I like guys. They were telling me that I don’t know who or what I am. I know myself. My father kept disagreeing and turned aggressive. He wrapped his hands around my throat and squeezed. I couldn’t breathe for 8 seconds and it really scared me. Later that night, I kept thinking about how much I hate myself and couldn’t stop thinking about peeling my skin off. I know that I sound crazy, but please don’t judge me. I’m putting this here because I heard that this will help me and I want other people to hear my story. See my change and if I go through with it or not. Anyways, the next day, I ended up cutting myself and scratching my skin off of my left arm, thinking that I deserve the pain. I deserve all of it. I deserve to die. I’ve been told that it was my past that makes me the way that I am and some people say that I have stuff too small to lead to suicide. Seriously, I hate it when people say that. They have no clue how I feel. I hate myself. I don’t want to call someone for help because I don’t want my father to go to jail, or even worse. If they didn’t believe me and my father beat the shit out of me or makes me live my worse life. I honestly don’t know if I will keep going. I want to kill myself, but at the same time I don’t. I feel like that’s because people usually say that it gets better and there are good things in life that I haven’t experienced yet. Also, I want to be with the person I love.

—This is how I feel as of November 30th, 2022. Life is a *****.