Between the lack of sleep, monetary bullshit, and somewhat self-imposed loner life I’d lived since after college and returning home, this is the most uncertain I’ve felt in my entire life.
Feels as if everyday I slip further and further into some form of madness. I did laugh and maniacally sing a stupid little rhyme about my own misfortunes a few weeks back, so there’s that.
I miss some of the wonder and appreciation for some of the specifics when I was a young teen mostly. Felt like the stuff I learned was actually useful and being applied toward what I wanted to do in life. I still remember a fair few digits of pi from pi day in high school. As proof without googling: 3.14159,2653589,7932384,6264338,3279502,8841971. Feel free to fact check that. XD
Point is, I’m broke, sick, tired of living the way I currently live. Went back to school and have 2 certs (not diplomas) from different colleges, but not using any of that knowledge, so I’m stuck at this base level. I’m unable to use the knowledge and grow effectively, and this monetary bullshit is affecting everyone, and I want to help somehow, but how can I if I can’t even help my own damned self??
I’m a mess. It’s 6:30 am, and for the life of me, there is so much I should already be doing, but I’m not, and quite frankly, it’s not my fault.
I’ve ranted here for over 6 years at this point, and it tends to help more often than not. I forever appreciate the silent readers, the commenters, even if many of the people I knew then aren’t on the site like that anymore. I’m not here all the time, but I read a fair bit of posts, comment on a few from time to time, and sometimes a different perspective helps me trudge through my own shit and recenter.
Thanks for being a friend.
Your friend,
Trey, the mindless gamer
6 comments
Impressive, pie man! Seriously did you have to work hard to commit that to memory or do you just have a rock solid memory? That actually ties in with a theory I have regarding memory and depression. Well it’s not exactly a stroke of genius to figure out that people with strong memories tend to store traumatic events which others would “get over” sooner.
Anyway, I totally relate to the disillusionment you feel. It’s like some time in our mid to late 20s we wake up and realize that the real world isn’t as easy as they told us in grade school. Study, work hard, get good grades…? but guess what… that’s no guarantee that you won’t end up unemployed or working a lousy job or even homeless.
I think it’s that snap into reality that drives us over the edge. It’s like everything we were taught to believe was a lie. It all comes down to luck, whether we stumble on the right opportunities or whether we waste away with our heads full of knowledge, facts and a hundred digits of pi… At least you can win some bar bets and get drunk on shots lol
Appreciate the comment. I was a different person back then. I just remember learning it for pi day, basically breaking it up into the amount of digits a US phone # has. 3 point 1 -4159 to start. Someone else soundly beat me when they memorized about 100 digits… idk how they did it -_-
It’s just crazy. So many smart people who have some kind of quirk or condition that makes them perform sub optimally, or just don’t have the resources to do so. It’s irritating to see so many struggle, and be powerless to really enact change when billion dollar corpos and wealthy people throw dollars in others’ faces and make things happen.
Worst thing is I see what others are doing, and I’m just like, “I know where I should be, but what I’m doing just isn’t enough.” It annoys me to no end. I’ve lost a lot of myself in the years out of high school and when I try an alternate route, I’m still stuck at square one…
Hopefully things are stable for you friend.
Sometime during high school I was driving somewhere with my mom. and I saw a license plate and for some reason thought in my head “i am going to remember this license plate for the rest of my life.”, figured out a way to burn it into my memory, and here we are. I am not going to type it bcuz that feels weird.
Idk if this is the same as you remembering all those didgets of pi (wow), but it reminded me of that.
I hope you can focus on lifting yourself up before you try helping others. You helping someone for one day while you yourself are in a good position is the equivalent of helping someone for weeks if ur in a bad position, and it also postpones ur own progress. That’s what happened for me at least.
It’s never too late to re-introduce the wonder and appreciation in life, or at least I think so. Maybe you could try learning random facts that you can apply to things around u 24/7, like microbiology. If u know a little abt microbiology you can look at objects and think about all the little critters on them.
Trey I love you. It’s Ajay I missed those times when when we used to talk online. I’m really sorry I stopped talking in the group a lot was happening in my life. I had a mental break down. I hope we can get back in touch. You will always be a friend to me and have a place in my heart. Im glad your still alive. I’m still struggling and my life has become worse in many aspects, still want to die. But seeing your name on the post is the only thing that made me smile all day because of the times we used to chat online. Would love to get back in contact with you Trey. Miss you and am thinking of you from Ajay.
Hey Ajay. I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts. Do you remember the username you used when we talked? I appreciate you being a friend back then, when I really needed people who understood. I’m sorry you’re still struggling but I always keep the many people I’d chatted with here in my thoughts and always hope for the best for them all.. We’ll chat soon I hope.
Always your friend,
Trey, the mindless gamer.
We used to chat on Kik on the sp group I can’t remember my user name sorry Might of been ice sword or something, this was about 5 years ago. I remember you chatting about leaving the island and studying in the mainland. You used to have a part time job on the island. Sounds like you have finished your studies now. I remember you used to talk about that girl, hope she is ok. I still remember when here4u died that was a sad time for all of us.
We keep battling on but we always end up in the same place here. I was always wishing the best for you and was proud of you when you left the island to do the course. I do miss everyone in the group.
Always proud of you Trey especially when you tried to save that girls life when she was on the phone to you when she was about to kill herself. Keep going I always wondering about you and others in the group and how everyone lives turned out.