When I get angry, I keep it to myself mostly.
I’ve snapped on my parents sometimes when I felt they aren’t listening to me, but not many others.
I keep my issues to myself mostly. As it stands, I lack money to go to the doctor to get help. I can’t pay for a therapist or anything, and I’m in the loop where too sick to work > not enough money to treat said sickness > too sick to work.
It’s fun when you want to help yourself, when you want to be responsible and keep your sick ass at home, but it just keeps the cycle going.
Sometimes, I want to break things, but I don’t. Sometimes, I want to scream, but I don’t. I’ve screamed in the car alone at times, but that’s the extent of it.
Sometimes I’m oddly impatient. I’ve learned patience, so it’s weird when I want to just get some things over with asap.
I don’t know how to fix myself, to get myself back to the better person I used to be. I’ve changed to the point where I just don’t recognize myself anymore. I’m just a mask of the kid/teen I was. Where do I even go from here? Part of me has already given up on myself, and yet I know I can’t just walk away and be done with things.
I need help. Desperate to the point where going back home doesn’t sound nearly as bad anymore, and I was refusing to wind up back home for any reason beforehand. Yet, I need to do this myself. I have to be an adult and pick myself up and get things moving in a better direction. I can’t keep asking my parents for help. I sick of asking for money in general. I’m driving myself crazy with indecision. I want to die so I don’t have to keep burdening the few people around me that I have left, but no, I can’t just think like that. I have to do something. Give one last push to actually get to that better place. I know that I’m mentally unstable. I need to do something though.
Help me. Please.
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4 comments
I greatly respect your willingness to improve, despite the circumstances holding you back.
If you’re truly too sick to work, maybe applying for disability wouldn’t be such a bad idea. If you get the disability, chances are that you’d qualify for government-assisted Healthcare, like medicaid/Medicare. If you’re able to get that, you could likely find a therapist who can help you improve your mental health until you’re healthy enough to work again. That would be a good way out of that cycle you describe.
Plainwhite is right. You should apply for disability. It would be a good start to get the help you really want. If you get approved, you will automatically get Medicare or medicaid or even both depending on your situation. You wouldn’t have to worry about paying out of pocket to see a therapist or even a psych ward if you needed to go. This would be good to give you a break from working and focus on your mental health. Plus you will have to pay little to none if you need meds as well. I would say applying is your best option. Mental illness counts as a disability, do don’t feel discourage if you think you have to have a physical condition to get it. If you get rejected, apply a second or even third time. Be sure to be very detailed on your illness. Best of luck to you.
Apollo360 and Plainwhite have the practical side covered, my response will be more philosophic;
From my perspective, the major problem here is that you’re internalizing the failures of others. Yes, it is partially on you to get back up/get better. You have to try. If, however, you are giving it your all, then there’s no guilt there. That’s all you had to give, beating yourself up won’t produce better results.
I might be projecting because this is a thing I’m working on in my life. For years I’ve internalized the shame of being sick, and in the past six months I’ve started to see that’s part of what is keeping me sick. It feeds into the toxic relationships I’ve been attracted to.
You and I, we aren’t victims, we aren’t helpless. Frustrated, sure. Hopeless? You bet. Those are painful things to be, without a doubt. The only way out is up though, and that means accurately figuring out the obstacles in the way.
Change is weird and confusing. I relate to when you say “I’ve changed to the point where I just don’t recognize myself anymore.” The transition phase. Difficult to let go of happiness and constancy of past. We are but victims of things happening with our body and mind. I so wanted to control things, control myself, and it was frustrating when I couldn’t. Guilt and all kind of other negative feelings. What can I say. Patience, as you talked about. Things do settle down with time. However the effort to control doesn’t go in vain. It accelerates the process.