My cat died today. He got out and I can’t find him, How do I know he is dead, then? Because I can feel his ghost.
The universe can fuck itself. If there’s a god, it can fuck itself. The whole world can fuck itself. I am so fucking tired. No matter what i do, it’s 1 step forward and ten back. Whatever god is out there is having a laugh at my pain, and since I’m no one special, I suspect it is laughing at everyone else who is in pain, too.
I just read that “experts” figured out that giving up on life can literally lead to one’s death in under a month. This. This is it. I give up. I am not afraid to die. If I go to hell, fuck it – I don’t see how it can be worse than this. I can’t come up with a single fucking reason to live, not one. So, then I will die. Not off myself, just die. I knew that was possible.
I should have known it was, though. We had a friend who wanted to die and he died. No suicide. He just died. It took a few months, but he did it.
I’m jealous.
I’m sorry I wasn’t a better person. I’m sorry I have never amounted to a single fucking thing. I’m sorry I’m ugly, fat and worthless. I’m sorry I’ve failed at everything I have ever tried. I’m sorry that I’m so fucking stupid that I keep trying instead of accepting defeat. I’m sorry I never reported the murder I witnessed – I should have – but there are two letters to be sent upon my death. It happened 40+ years ago and I will never forgive myself for being too weak to stop it.
I’m going to finish off a bottle of vodka now. If there’s a fucking god with an ounce of mercy, I will die in my sleep. Otherwise, I will die from giving up. Don’t believe it? Hold my fucking beer and watch this.
9 comments
Totally agree that tge universe can fuck itself. The idea of a malicious god, or at best apathetic, makes a lot more logical sense than a benevolent loving god.. i mean just look at this place.
I really think you shouldnt give up hope with your cat though. Dont get your hopes up either, but just maintain enough hope to keep looking, even though your gut tells you its over. Lost pets are very vulnerable yes, but theyre also pretty smart and can figure out how to survive.
About dying from giving up, I wish it could be that easy… maybe it is. I’ve read news stories about people who ‘died of a broken heart’ but the skeptic in me always figured they either starved, dehydrated, overdosed or took poison and nobody investigated. Either way, ‘deaths of despair’ are very real.
“died of a broken heart” – well ppl with broken hearts generally suffer from depression and with depression comes neglecting eating, or eating properly, drinking enough water, etc but starvation and dehydration idk, doesn’t quite add up either.
it takes A LOT to starve yourself to the point of death, or to not drink water. it takes a lot for humans to override their biological imperative to NOT drink water. Believe me, I pee ALL the fucking time and I try NOT to drink and it comes to a point where my head is fucking throbbing and I resist but at a certain point you can’t ignore the pain and you cave. And for most people, water is within easy reach so you really have to go out of your way to commit VSED. VSED is EXTREMELY hard to execute. You can have a broken heart but eventually your brain MAKES you get water. You can live 30 whole days without eating food tho. So most ppl don’t technically die of ‘starvation’. You can only last 3d without water.
^all true, I see you’ve done your research lol
yeah humans can go months without food, just google the irish hunger strikers in prison during the 1980s, I think some went as long as 60-70 days. Water on the other hand… without it you die in a couple days BUT the brain won’t let you do it, it’s like holding your breath til you pass out, you just can’t do it.
But even if you don’t die of outright starvation, I think if you neglect your general nutrition long enough you can weaken your heart and die from heart failure which is probably the case in the ‘broken heart’ deaths. Anorexics usually die that way, not necessarily from literal starvation but their heart muscle gets so weak that it just quits.
but yes, ppl do die of a broken heart, but indirectly, through lack of self care or not being able to battle diseases or infections as well, due to lowered immune and such. if you’re say battling a disease, a person who WANTS to live is likelier to survive vs someone with a broken heart will have a longer, harder time fighting off some infection or disease.
Holy shit, you witnessed a murder? Is that the root of your depression? Or did you have depression prior to witnessing that?
Give it a few days. Maybe your cat ran off to chase something and got lost out in the streets. If after a week, then… But it’s only been a day.
maybe put a bowl of water and a “bed” of sorts (a blanket inside a box maybe?) out by the front door. If it comes back and the door’s not open and you’re not home, it can stay there till you get back.
^that’s a great suggestion about putting out water, maybe a little food. If you contact your local shelter or rescue they might loan you a cat trap. I’ve seen that done around here with success
would help if you put something that smells like it outside, like it’s blanket so it can smell it’s way home if it somehow got lost and can’t find it’s way home.