The dark clouds always come back

I couldn’t even begin to understand what that’s like, aside from what I’ve heard what others go through with the same mental illness.

You’ve basically gotten the life I hoped to get (if I couldn’t get rich)….it’s too bad you have bpd.

While us ‘normies’ have our ups and downs and get depressed/suicidal once in a while, that’s largely due to the state our life is in at the time.

Suicide is always a personal decision at the end of the day. We’re all on a spectrum of suffering. For me it’s just having a low income and being far below the goals I set for myself.

For others, they deal with all kinds of problems including physical and mental health issues.

I recall one particularly terrible state in my life roughly 15 yrs ago…I was extremely suicidal at the time and had euthanasia been available, I might’ve gone through with it.

At the same time, it’s a pride thing, I didn’t want to be remembered that I passed away at such a lowly, pitiful state in my life. Also when you’re suffering so much, sometimes you’re totally blind to what’s around you and you can’t think logically. I was focused on some really dumb things at the time and couldn’t see my world was falling apart.

My mom and I had moved in together, she was getting older, her health was failing and she wasn’t making much money…and then I suddenly realized I had to do something about it and started looking for work (I was depressed and unmotivated before) …eventually I did find a decent job, we saved up, and moved out of the bad place I was living in.

Fortunately I learned a number of lessons through that experience and now I always have a large chunk of money saved for tough times or for moving or car repairs, etc.

Still, while we’ve come a long way from that low point, I won’t be happy until I have my own home and a spouse…but I’m getting older and my prospects are diminishing. I’ve grown more jaded about life and really see little point in going on.

While I have some big dreams (like business ideas), I feel it probably won’t happen as I don’t have access to the large amounts of money it’d take to get off the ground. I have a feeling that if I do succeed, I’ll be in my 60s by then.

I wish I had some smart people I valued in my life who could’ve told me to get my act together a lot sooner. If I was in my early 40s, then I’d still have time to achieve my goals.

At this point I’m just waiting for my mother to pass away…after that I think I’ll take a little vacation and then call it quits…I worked hard all my life to get somewhere. It never paid off. I’ve had enough of struggling and ending up nowhere.

Not to mention my scumbag father wrecked some key opportunities in life because he was an idiot and hated me…not that he’d ever acknowledge it.

What burns me more is that if I was an ordinary nobody and had no hope with hot girls for example, then I would’ve just accepted my fate (as a loser) a long time ago…but I had many chances with beautiful girls, so it bothers me even more than I could’ve had everything including a great S/O, if I played my cards better.

I mean I did date some great girls, but that was just a fraction of what I could’ve gotten had I had better ‘game.’ Long story short, it was just a wasted life…mostly I feel like I was on the ‘outside’ watching others having in life what I felt I deserved to have also.

Granted there are others who’ve suffered way more than I have…that’s how life goes. But the key is to know when enough is enough and when to ‘leave the stage’ rather than keep dragging out a failed life that won’t get any better.

I kept going on the false hope things will improve and it doesn’t seem they will…I’ve given myself until I hit 60…barring any major issues along the way. If my health fails from now till then, I’ll check out sooner.