Hey everyone, I’ve been a long time lurker, this is my first post. I don’t really know where else to go to get advice or support or anything like that.
Basically I’ve had depression for 3 years now (I’m 18, turning 19 in a few months), and I’ve just been suffering through it, I’ve been thinking about suicide every day but I’m too much of a coward to just do it. In all honesty, if I had a gun or something, I’d do it, but I’m just scared of the pain.
Anyways yeah so I’ve been talking about it with one of my friends and this girl that I’m with but not really (if you’ve ever been in one of those, you’ll understand). They just… don’t seem to understand how I feel or anything. When they get sad, it lasts a day or two at most and all they do is think about it and cry a little and they get over it. With me, however, I feel like that every day. Every morning I wake up thinking “why bother?”. Throughout the day I walk around not caring, not thinking, basically just lifeless. At night I talk to my girlfriend(ish) about my day, about hers, make her smile a little and whatever (I pretend I’m fine with her because when she thinks something’s wrong with me, she’ll get emotional and cry and whatever).
Then when she goes to bed, I go downstairs, I get a knife, I bring it up to my room, put on some music, press the blade to a part of my body, and start moving it back and forth. Basically just to peel away the skin and get to the flesh. Why do I do it? Because I want to feel the pain, I want to feel the sting of it when my clothing rubs against it. I feel like I deserve to be hurt, like if I don’t hurt myself, I’ll hurt everyone else.
I’ve done it 3 days in a row so far. The first day it started I was planning on slitting my throat but I was too scared. So I just put it to my wrist and started running it back and forth. Then I noticed the scratch, it was bleeding a little bit. I somehow felt better being in pain… so I did it again the next day, and then again tonight.
I want to make it clear that I’m not looking for someone to tell me that it’s stupid or that I should be happy or whatever. I get enough of that from my friends. I want to hear from someone that wakes up every morning hating their life, someone’s that had so much self-hate that they literally threw up, someone that’s had so many thoughts that they were about to kill themselves just to make it stop, and/or someone that cries themself to sleep every single night.
Thanks for caring enough to read this far, I look forward to see what kinds of reactions I’ll be getting.
3 comments
Haaa…i know exactly what you mean by wakeing up everyday day in a horable depresion.and i mean THE VERRY INSTANT you open yer eyes it all hits you all over again.although i dont know what to say i do know how you feel.especialy about the physicaly ill from my thoughts but thats because my wife is with another man….i wish i could do more than relate but im in the same boat of confusion.idk dude iguess if you wanna talk or some shit you can hit me up at jpence7172@gmail.com
Im not gunna blow smoke up yer ass or say things will get better cuz i dont know if i am.
ive also had deppresion for about three years, iv self harmed for most of it,and i know exactly what you mean about having it hurt to feel something and feeling like you deserve it and having your clothes rub against it and feeling it hurt.
i sometimes find myself after a few weeks not cutting because i try to stop, cutting my legs and my wrists and walking around feeling the sting and almost enjoying it, not in a way that makes me happy but just having a strong feeling all day, instead of numbness or the feeling im rotting inside.
i to have had people i cared about
that dont seem to understand and the truth is noone can understand unless they have been through it, fewer can try to comfort you unless they know somone closely who has been through it. i dont no if this is the kind of response you wanted, i really dont no but if you want to talk or anything im here.