clean.

Everything is easier if you just stop caring, right? It’s easier if you just are alone as often as possible, right?
Then why do I still care? Why do I still check on a daily basis, to make sure my friend didn’t just go. It’s been about 5 days since he last posted. Ususally I wouldn’t be this worried, but his friend just took her own life and I can’t text him to make sure.And  I don’t know why I am suddenly thinking of all of this now. I am a wreck.

I’ve been thinking about it lately. Too much. How easy it would be to just swallow the whole bottle instead of one a night. Would anyone notice? Or would they think lazy me, sleeping in again. Forever. Never having to open my eyes again. Would anyone even care? My boyfriend skype called me and noticed something was wrong when I wasn’t talking. But could anyone guess just how wrong everything is?

Today I broke a glass while washing dishes. Last time it happened, I brought a piece of glass to my room and cut. It was the best cut. No worrying about if it’s rusted. easier than needles. Should I have taken a piece again? I knew I’d use it… But I didn’t. Why didn’t I? I could use it… But instead I drew a butterfly. I put a K on it for Kallie. That was her name, the friend of a friend who did it.

I’ve been like this since my counselor decided I couldn’t go to her anymore because I “don’t have problems”. It’s a load of bull shit. A counselor shouldn’t do that to anyone with a record like mine. I can do it. I know I can. But not now. I’ve gotta at least try. I haven’t even gotten my schedule for school. I could at least try. Maybe if I try, I might accomplish something for once.

I’m trying something new. Not taking the pills. I mean I am taking what I’m supposed to, but I don’t think they work anymore. If they worked, would I even be here?
I used to make a playlist of every song by my favorite bands but the songs were in chronological order, based on album release date, then by whichever order pops into my mind.
I’m listening to my all time favorite in the hopes that it will make me stop thinking. If I sing along, maybe it will get my mind off of this. But no more attempts for me. None at all. I’ll just keep living, isn’t that what we always do? No more ODs, Anais. No more broken glass snuck into my room. No more needles. NO more. I’m gonna be clean, from here on out. I’m clean. I’m gonna stop. I will. I did it before, almost 4 months. So no more. No more.