Fuck. My life has never been worse. I mean, there have been and are really shitty things in my life. Things I can’t control. But it has got to the point where I can’t see a way out anymore.
I realise that I have a lot to live for. My family really needs me, as do my friends. They all love me. I am  trying really hard to keep up my academic side. I was actually focusing on that when the shit storm hit.
I had a boyfriend. Fuck that is depressing having to write that in the past tense. People say stupid shit like ‘Oh yeah, teen relationships are tough to get over sometimes’ but it wasn’t a teen relationship. When we got together nearly two years ago, after being best friends for a year, we were both suicidal. The only reason we didn’t kill ourselves was because we didn’t want the other to face the world alone. Thinking back now, it would have been much easier if we had killed ourselves in some sort of suicide pact. Anyway, can’t go back now. We were in love. In the most beautiful sense of the world. He was my world and I was his. When we got together, my depression faded. I didn’t think about killing myself because I was so happy with him. He didn’t tell me, but he was depressed. Two weeks ago he broke up with me. The explanation he gave was that ‘I’m a slave to my feelings for you and I need to learn how to be my own person.’ I was really sad, but I thought that if I was the most supportive friend imaginable, he could get through it and then we would get back together.
Fuck was I wrong. Since the break up, he has had sex with me 4 times, on four different occasions. He always starts it, and I always respond because I think that if I do what he wants then we will get back together. The last time, he immediately got up and got dressed. He told me that ‘he needs to start a new chapter in his life’ and that ‘This is the last time that I will see you like this ever’. I felt like a cheap whore. Not the girl who gave everything to him. Her time, her money, her whole heart, her virginity, everything. Was that all I’m worth?
There was a girl who I had been very insecure about before we broke up. She was – is – suicidal. She tried to commit suicide (just surface cuts but still) and he went with her to the hospital. He held her hand while they stitched her up. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with him being to her what he has always been for me and he told me  that he understood how I felt and would stop being so close to her.
Well he likes her. He did while we were still together. He has told me that he will never get back with me.
I saw him yesterday and I opened his eyes to how he has treated me, his best friend. he cried a lot. I thought it would stop then. I thought that my heart had finally finished being crushed. But I was wrong. He hung out with her today. All day. in fact, he is still there. It is 1:27 AM where I am. He is staying with her tonight.
How can I cope with this? The conclusion I have come to is that I can’t. I wasn’t depressed with him, so he felt like he wasn’t needed. So he found another girl that needs him. But I need him. I need him so much. My world is destroyed without him.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. All I see is what wasn’t good enough. Maybe if I was prettier he wouldn’t have fallen for her. I can’t eat, my stomach is too nauseous. That also means that I can’t sleep. Not only because I can’t sleep while he is staying with her but because whenever I lie down I wretch uncontrollably.
The sad thing is that I asked him what would make him feel better  the other day. He said cupcakes. So today (or yesterday to be correct) I spent 4 hours making him cupcakes.
It would be easier if I were dead. At least then I wouldn’t care anymore.
3 comments
I can’t comprehend how much pain you’re probably in, 2 years is a long commitment to break. Don’t heed my advice too seriously, I’ve never been in a similar situation but if I were I would try to separate myself from him. It seems at this point he is using you more than anything. Putting down a firm foot and establishing yourself as a person would be a good step. You seem very insecure about yourself, making this break up much harder. I think instead of trying to treat him like a princess you should work on loving yourself also. You are more important than anyone else in your life. You deserve the best and should not have to bend over backwards to get it. Learn to love yourself and when you have confidence you will realize that people who do not love you back are not worth your time.
This really shows how dangerous obsession can be to have all your happiness dependant on one thing or one person. Obviously like you say you can be quite happy and content as long as you have that one thing you need. Then its taken away and you have nothing else in your life that can fill that void, or even help to distract you from the pain of the loss. I hope you don’t feel like you need to kill yourself over someone else no matter how strongly you felt for them. You could always try to get him back although it sounds like that isn’t likely to happen. He doesn’t really sound like he was all that special or unique though, you could find someone else that is broken and needs the the same kind of obsessively codependant relationship and it would probably make you happy again, but then you would be in the same dangerous position where all your happiness comes from one person. Best thing would be to find many different sources of happiness so you aren’t so dependant on only one, but that is hard to do lol and nothing really makes me all that happy so I can’t really give advice on how to find things I can’t find myself. Anyway good luck and I hope it gets better for you.
It took you four hours to make cupcakes?