becoming the sadness

Do you ever get the feeling where you don’t feel dark or especially depressed, but your mind is fixated on suicide and it’s never far from the front of your thoughts? You’re able to function just fine and you don’t feel any sadder than usual, it’s just that you’re constantly planning and thinking about your own death no matter how hard you try to distract yourself.

That’s how I feel right now, and have felt for the past 2 years pretty much non stop. And it scares me, because I can’t help but wonder if this is all I am now, all I’m going to be. It’s like my suicidal thoughts have become me, and I’ve become the thoughts. I don’t feel separate from the sadness any more, it’s more like I am my sadness. And I hate that, so much.

It worries me, because then I ask myself what I am without my sadness and I just don’t really know anymore. Sure, I am more than just the sadness- I am so many wonderful things- it is just taht everything I am or was has become enhanced or inhibited by the sadness. And without the sadness, I am kind of lost.

Stepping out of the darkness of my own mind once appealed to me more than anything, but now stepping out of it scares me more than I can say. My sadness is horrible, but it’s also somewhat comforting. Being sad all the time makes me untouchable, because it does not give anything the power to upset me. If I am unhappy to begin with, there is no happiness to be taken away. And for some reason, that thought soothes me, even though I know it’s wrong and I need to let the light back in. But like I said, the light scares me now more than the dark that has become my friend.

You know where you stand with sadness and suicidal thoughts, but not with life. If I put all my trust back into life, everything will become unpredictable and dangerous. It might all be worth it, but it might not. And I’m not sure I’m ready to sacrifice my sad safety for those unstable wings just yet.