And all these demons, they keep me up all night.

I’m so glad that I found this site. It’s perfect. Things have been really fucked up as of lately. My depression and disordered eating that began in 6th grade have crept back into my life somehow. Causing me to get in fights with friends, family, myself. I’ve had suicidal thoughts every single day, just like old times. But something new is that I see scary images. But this has been happening since summer/the end of last year. Like for an example, whenever I close my eyes I see blood or a man with an ax in his head laying on the ground bleeding, or when I’m in the shower I can’t have my eyes closed to wash my face or I’ll see demons in the shower with me or the water will turn into blood and I feel like arms are going to grab me from behind and slit my throat. But here’s where things are getting bad.. this past weekend I was at my best friend’s house, we were drinking and I admitted that I was in love with her. I’m pansexual which means you don’t fall in love with a person for their gender but their personality, so gender does not matter to me. Anyways, she told me that she doesn’t love me back. So I was obviously upset, and when her guy friend called her I locked myself in a closet being as drunk as I was, and I cried, etc. The next morning I went home because it was Sunday and I had school the next day, but before I got picked up to go home I asked my grandma(I’ve been living with my grandparents since I was 5 because my mom is irresponsible and she had me at 17 and my parents were divorced when I was only 1 year of age. And my dad is a Canadian citizen and can not cross the border due to legal things I was never explained to about) for anti-depressants and she flipped out and said I didn’t need medication because it makes you “crazy”. But the thing is, I was on anti-depressants and some other things I don’t know, I think it was ADHD medication and something for my insomnia, that I was prescribed to when I was admitted to a mental hospital in 7th grade. And the anti-depressants helped me for a while, but my grandma flushed them down the toilet so I couldn’t take them anymore. In 8th grade I was pretty happy and nothing really bothered me. But this year, 9th grade, everything has gotten significantly worse. Since my grandparents refused to get me anti-depressants, I moved in with my mom, my step-dad, my 3 year old half brother, and my 8 month old half sister. I already couldn’t stand living with my grandparents because Frank, my uncle’s ex-boyfriend who is 24 years old, is my grandma’s best friend and he’s living there at my grandparents house. My grandparents were raising me and had been until Sunday when I decided to move out, but they’re also raising my 6 year old cousin that my aunt can’t take care of due to her heroin addiction. Everyone in my family has or has had some sort of addiction, except for my half brother and sister of course, but my cousin that my grandparents are raising was born with drugs in his system causing problems and stuff. But anyways, I’m sorry this is so long I just feel I need to rant and get my story or at least a a small portion of it out there. I want someone to know about my situation. ANYWAYS. When I moved into this town in 3rd grade with my grandparents and my mom, I met this girl who became my best friend (not the best friend I’m talking about being in love with at the beginning of this) and she became depressed in 6th grade around the same time I did. We both cut, and we both had parents that were never there for us. And at the very end of 6th grade, she was taken to a foster home, and then she moved in with her dad an hour away from me and her dad hates me because the first time I had seen her for the first time since she moved in with him, we were caught past curfew outside with spray paint by the police. And this year they moved to another state, far away. But my mom is living in her old house from 3rd-5th grade right now, and I get the attic as a bedroom since there’s no where else because it’s pretty small (we’re only staying here until my mom’s house is done being re-built because it burnt down over the summer) but I have to tell you, the demons are so awful here. In the attic only too. I remember I was so scared of the attic when I spent the night here when I was little, because the stairs going up to it were right in her bedroom which is now our living room. I can’t sleep up here it’s that bad. My dog won’t even stay up here with me. I see a man hanging from a noose from the boards of the ceiling and he has a black mask over his face so he can’t see. I’m really scared of this attic, and these demons, and yet I’m still so numb.