This is the first time I have ever told anyone I have been contemplating suicide. Most people would say I have a good life, which I do agree, but I can’t find the motivation to want to help myself. I’m 21 and a college student with a criminal record already and have a family that I have secluded myself from. I want to write out my whole life story but I honestly don’t even care enough to do that. I just know that have suicidal thought on a daily basis isn’t normal. I know I have severe depression problems cause my mom has been diagnosed as a manic depressive since I was a little girl. I used to be addicted to Xanax but found the will so quit somehow but now all I can think is why should I try? Why have we all made life so difficult for ourself? If only I could see the positive side of things I wouldnt be here ranting on about how I want to die. Also my boyfriend/ex, i don’t even know anymore, isn’t helping. I want to change but I can’t find the strength to. I have no friends, I am the fuck up of my family, and even my dog doesn’t love me as much as them. And the worst part of it all is that I’m too much of a ***** to kill myself. Why oh why can’t I do it?
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18 comments
i can relate so much
Then please, let’s help each other. I want to see the world differently, don’t you?
Maybe you just need to find your destinations in life. What it is you want to do with your time here. It’s not an easy question, i’ll admit.
Think positive, that’s how you move forward.
<3
I know I need to find my destination but how do I do so when I don’t have an interest in anything anymore? My depression has blocked me from accomplishing anything. It’s come to a point where I wish I could just lay in bed with my wrist slit open, bleeding to death, singing in a faint voice anything that will pop,into my head. I want to die but I don’t want to feel the pain but if I’m alive I feel even more. There is no way out of this endless cycle unless I take a knife to my heart. Please oh please tell me what do to. I need a hand book. Being told to think positive just doesn’t work. Obviously I can’t think positive if I’m on this site writing about suicide..
Yeah, it’s like that for everyone who’s depressed i think. The classical paradox; when you’re depressed you need to think positively to improve, but because you’re depressed you can’t think about anything but sadness.
I think about it like this, depression is like starvation, in order to end it you need food, but since you’re starving you don’t have the strength to find any. I guess there are only two ways to get out of it. If someone else brings you something to eat, or if you use all the strength you have left in one burst to get to the food yourself.
I don’t know what to say, i’m really bad at giving advice :/ I guess muster up all the strength you have and push yourself towards some goal. Maybe in that time someone will bring you some food?
Is there anything you have even a marginal interest in? You never know it could develop into something profound.
I’m lost remember? I’m on my third year in college and still have no idea. The time has come to make a decision but I’m stuck sitting a dark room trying to find the light. I have to choose something, I can’t drop out now. But I have no idea what I want or what I’m good at cause I have given up on everything. How do you find what interest you when you’re not even interested in being yourself?
You can’t, that’s why you have to be interested in yourself. It’s like asking how can you find something to eat if you don’t want to eat anything, you can’t. You have to have some hope in yourself.
I know exactly what you are saying. And I know I’m whining and this all gets so repetitive. If we could all just follow through with what we know we have to do we wouldn’t have problems. But we don’t know how so we take the “easy” way out and just give up. I know I’m wrong, but I just can’t do anything about it. It’s like there is a wall I know I can climb over it but I’d rather just sit down and sulk till I die. Depression is like alcoholics anonymous, you have to reach your lowest point to realize all you can do is go up. But what if my lowest point is death and if I get to my lowest point without dying how in the hell will I realize I can only get better? A vicious cycle again that tears me up inside.
I guess it wouldn’t make sense unless you’ve been to a lot of meeting but here is one thing we could all take something away from that aa uses. ” god, grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
That’s a really good quote thanks. 🙂
“There’s nothing that i can do about it” You’ve got to stop thinking like that first of all. Our motivation plays such a huge role in our success. People can do amazing things because they dedicate themselves to whatever it is they care about. Even if you think you’re lying to yourself i think you should tell yourself that you can do it, that you can achieve something. Eventually it will become truer and truer. You said it yourself “i know i can climb over it” you just need the motivation to do it.
Do you have any close friends or family members that could help to motivate you?
Sadly I don’t. Or at least no one that I want to know how much I’m suffering. I have no friends. My family already knows I’m struggling but doesn’t know what to do and my boyfriend already thinks I’m useless. It’s just me trying to climb over brick by brick but I keep falling..
get a running start and jump lol..
Have you ever seen a therapist?
Well..At least you have us <3
I have once and got prescribe a bunch of different things but it all just made me sleepy. Then I tried just a counselor but what is the point in paying to talk to someon if you’re just going to lie? Anothing thing is that i dont like talking in person about this stuff, i mean who does? Isnt that why we are all on here instead of calling a hotline or in a doctors office? Also I am so thankful you have been replying to my post, you really have helped me whether you think you have or not. Having someone just listen is refreshing.
Yeah, pills just made my brother a zombie, didn’t really help any.
It may be better to talk in person if there was someone you really really trusted, but yeah i guess that’s why we’re all here.
And np i love hearing people out, i’m here anytime you need to talk. 🙂
Ive never done this reply to an individual comment before, so I dont know if it will go in the right place. Love the ‘depression is like starvation thingy’. My food right now and it has been for a while would be the love from a woman, if you are one, no matter where you are in the world, can you bring me my meal for life please? Im starving.
No it didnt , i thought it would go in one of those little boxes!
I don’t know if that was @ me, but i’m not a woman lol. But hey, anyone can bring you a meal, if you’re starving you should take food where ever you can find it.
much love <3
btw i can't figure out how to make my replys go where i want them either O_0 derp