im struggling.

i shouldnt feel this way. i got rid of all those feelings when i left my old school. i have new friends, a new identity, a new school and a fresh start.  then why do i still feel like this. I just float through life everyday, a lifeless burden to myself.  I hate everything that i am, i hate everything that i do, have done and probably will do. i walk around school with this label “smiler” because im always smiling!

“hey smiler!” “right smiler!” dont they know its all a cover? a front if you will? Im alone, scared, cutting and dying inside. I respect myself for the fact i can hide it well, thats the only thing i like about myself. as soon as i get home, the smile disappears and the lifeless expression shows, no one at home notices. until i told them two weeks ago that i was cutting and wanted to leave and i got things like “your fucking crazy, at this rate your gonna end up in a mental hospital” 2your driving your mother to an early grave” “depression? you dont know the meaning of the word.” “your only 16, shut up”

And they hit the nail on the hammer. that night i went to my room, got my knife and went for a walk up the cycle track and i cut too much till i bled too much. i was leaving myself there, hopefully bleeding to death until some stranger came along and was worried and took me home, told me to get help… i didnt want to go home. i wanted to lie there all night but the man simply would not have it. i envy him. he saved my life, when i didnt want to be saved.

ive cut more than twice a week since this, and i just… im struggling to even get by. i just want to be left alone, to be alone, to die… no one would notice im gone, just a person born into the wrong world. i wasnt supposed to be born and im not supposed to be here now.. but i want to get through this… i want help but none of my friends understand how hard this is for me… i need someone to talk to…