Just some feelings I guess

Hey. I’m 17 and find no happiness in life. I don’t know what else to do so I guess I’m just making a post on here. Uh… I guess it all started when I was a little Kid and my parents got divorced. I don’t know I just always thought of them as the perfect couple. I mean I always had huge suspicions that my mom was cheating on him when I was about six or seven.. turns out she was, but what was I supposed to do? My brother just called me a liar and he got mad whenever I tried talking to him about it. my own brother, the person I’m closest to in the world didn’t believe me so I guess I just bottled it up. So I had a pretty bad childhood. I never really had any friends or anything until I got to high school (I was the “outcast”) so I was living with my mom and brothers after the divorce, just watching my dad miserable and dying while my mom went out and met another guy. A couple weeks after the divorce the new guy was helping his move in. I guess they ended up fucking. they got married and had a kid. This guy was by far the most immature, disposed asshole I’ve ever met in my life and I hate him. I don’t know, I just never really felt any happiness as a kid, just a lot of anger, confusion, and sadness. I’ve always just wanted to die, since I was a wee boy. That was until I started eighth grade where I met the best thing to ever happen to me. I can’t describe how she made me feel. Genuine happiness, wanting to be alive, just perfection. She was my first kiss. We would talk 24/7 and it was just us against the world. She was all I dreamed about or wanted in my life, then she left me after a year and a half. I was devastated. I don’t remember the next couple months, but all I remember is I started smoking and cutting a lot. I was miserable and alone again for about a year before I even started trying anything with anyone. After I got out of the worst of it I was back to meaningless existence. I just went by day by day not really caring what I did, or what HAPPENNED to me. I would toy with girls. Just mess with their emotions, use them for their bodies, etc. I would break their hearts. I just didn’t care about anything in the world. The rare times I do actually have any feelings for anyone, they en up leaving. I’ve just given up on that. It’s not like I have any true or reliable friends anyway. I guess what Im trying o say is that I honestly don’t see why I stay alive, going through the same things every day, with people who don’t care, and people I don’t care about. Hell, I don’t even care about me. I never feel anything for anybody anymore and I don’t know why. I just want to die and get it over with