For as long as I can remember, I’ve found myself unable to care or put forth effort for anything. I don’t pursue friendly or romantic relationships, and I don’t have any work ethic for academics or finding any sort of job. I’m a quick learner, so I’ve mostly been able to coast through high school on tests alone, though I’m currently at severe risk of needing to repeat my senior year next year. Due to my lackluster academic record and the fact that my family is barely above the poverty line, I have no prospects for college whatsoever.
The thought of suicide crosses my mind every day of my life. I wouldn’t call myself particularly sad or depressed, nor do I actively worry about my future. I’ve just always seen committing suicide as a viable option that one should have every right to do. I’ve never seen it as such a tragic or horrible thing, probably due in part to my lack of close personal relationships.
At this point, I’m still living relatively comfortably, and I don’t have any means of obtaining a quick or painless method of suicide, so I don’t intend to act any time soon. That said, my life after I graduate high school will probably be me living in my parents’ basement until thy kick me out, in which case I’m screwed. Best case scenario, I get a minimum wage job as a fry cook or something. I have no intention of living such a boring, unstable life, but I have no interests to pursue or motivation to break out of the situation. A common argument against suicide is that it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but I don’t think that applies here. My problem is likely to be lifelong, and I honestly don’t place any value in my own life or the feelings of those who would be affected by me killing myself.
This probably all sounds very petty, and I’m sure there are plenty of people in situations far worse than mine. I’m not really preaching any moral or crying for help here, I just stumbled upon this interesting website and decided to rant and vent. Thank you for taking the time to read it, if you did.
4 comments
you still have a chance to turn your life around. you’ve stopped caring for so long, why not just start caring for the sake of it? you said you were a quick learner, the world is full of interesting things. even if life is meaningless, you can still do some stuff that makes it all the while.
I read it. When I feel like there’s nothing I can do for myself I a) cut or b) try to help other people. Just a suggestion, although I don’t kbow how much longer that will occupy me,well b is, don’t cut. Maybe you’ll find some motivation, I hope so.
Welcome to the club. I have no future as well, and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything except prepare to die.
My family was also poor & unable to pay for college. I went through college thinking I would never be able to go because I could not afford it. If only someone would of sat me down and told me that the government gives grants to kids with poor families to go to college. I apply for financial aide every year & I get more then enough money to cover all my schooling because my family is very poor. Start at a community college & go talk to a financial aide advisor. The advisor will help you make sure everything is filled out & done correctly! Because the money is grants I never have to pay the money back to the government! You can go to college so quit worrying about that! Honestly the poorer your family is the better for grants. I didn’t do well in high school but once I got to community college everything started over. I had a new gpa to start on & a clean slate! My high school grades didnt even matter in community college. It can be done I promise because I did it myself!