I am a 17 year old girl and I found this website while seeking least painful methods of suicide on Google.
If I had half an ounce of courage in my veins, I would damn painlessness and go out messily: off the edge of a building of with a bullet to the temple. I am, however, extraordinarily cowardly when it comes to agony. I would be inclined towards an overdose, but I hear that’s a horrible way to go – vomitting. I would inject some air into a vein, but where would I get the syringe? And I’m no fan of needles… In short, the recurrent thoughts of suicide are becoming more and more forceful. I have spent my entire life tired, dispassionate, drained. My life is nothing, means nothing is founded upon fumes which have no future. My life is not so terrible that I’m seeking to escape it, no – it’s not anything, and I am utterly, mortally weay of it. I’m ready for it to be done. I want to throw up my hands and walk out the doors, cash in my chips, a gambler who only wants to lose and be allowed to leave. I am done. Finished.
I have been to two different psychologists in the space of six months. They have both been sweet, kind and uniquely and extraordinarily useless. They tell me to put on a happy face, think my way out of my depression… but I imagine that if this was something I could think my way out of, I would have done it years and years and years ago. They have not given me medication. They have not offered a diagnosis. They have invited me into their offices, week after week, telling me to give a flippant account of my day and my work and my pastimes. They are damned useless.
Naturally, the iinstinctual part of me – devoid of emotion or humanism – is hell bent on survival. It urges me to tell the psychologists that I am actively contemplating suicide, and to undergo the fortnight of horrors of an involuntary psychological hold. My dearest friend tells me to do this. She is bi-polar and has been admitted once before. She says it saved her. I am too much of a coward to make the phone call, to be behind looked doors, to have to break the news to my parents. I am fairly certain it would kill them. I’m fairly certain it would end my academic career – they would find a way to remove me from university, to drag me back home again under the guise of keeping me safe.
I am too cowardly to make the phone call. I am too cowardly too use a knife.
I never knew that the inbetween could be such a hellish, listless survival.
5 comments
I can relate to a lot of things that you talked about. I, too, experienced many horrible psychologists while I was searching for answers. I finally found one who truly helped me, and things have been going much better since. Don’t get discouraged. Those psychologists you mentioned are definitely horrible, and you shouldn’t waste any more of your time with them. Psychologists who tell their patients to smile things away clearly have no right to practice in the mental health field. If you haven’t already, try being more assertive with your future psychologists. Tell them exactly what you would like to gain from your sessions, and work from there.
I strongly urge you to listen to your instinctual side, and check yourself into a hospital before too much time passes by. If you’re going to be admitted, it would be in your best interest to do so before you’re considered an adult in the eyes of the law. I would know, because I just barely made it to the adolescent unit of my hospital (I was actually 18, but they let me in on a technicality). Inside, I found people I could relate to and easily talk with. That, in itself, was great therapy. After a mental health court hearing, I was officially considered an adult in the eyes of the hospital. They sent me to the adult unit. IT WAS A LIVING HELL. You don’t want to be there. You’re just left to rot, while the occasional psychiatrist comes by to check your med doses. The therapy sessions are boring and worthless, and the patients there are far gone compared to the teenagers of the adolescent unit. If you feel that a hospital visit is direly needed to save your life, please act now. Your experience will be much more pleasant because of it. I forgot to address a few things…checking yourself in (rather than being forced in), will make many things much easier on you. The fact that you willingly sought help shows your parents and the medical staff at the hospital that you have some control over your depression, and you made correct decisions to help yourself with it. It really depends on your parents, obviously, but I highly doubt that your academic career would end because of a hospital visit. As long as things get resolved to a point where everyone feels comfortable, I believe that you can resume life right where you left off, except with a better state of mind!
I’m glad to know that you’re not willing to die in a painful way, and that you have the instinct to save yourself. This shows me that you aren’t in really deep yet. Despite what you said in your second paragraph, your desire for help and your reservations about suicide tell me that you are not ready to give up. Don’t think of yourself as a coward, you are at a tough crossroads at this point in your life. You aren’t too cowardly to use a knife; your willpower is too strong to let you take that way out, but you’re still unsure what your next move should be. Talk to your best friend again, and get as much information as you can about the hospital. Things will be less intimidating if you go into it knowing what to expect.
I hope everything works out for you. =)
Spiritually speaking, philosophically speaking,… pain is mortal. I fail to understand why people are so afraid of pain and death. What is that phrase: “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, I shall fear no evil”? Dear Lord, soldiers have thrown themselves into spears and on grenades. Cut to ribbons and they lived. Buddhist monks burned themselves alive. Pain is fleeting and a part of this world. Your soul belongs to God and the next world. It feels no pain; only loss.
Hello, I think Bipolar19 puts it rightly. From what you wrote little can be derived about what are origins of you current situation, maybe it is not so important now.
Concerning family: do not “catastrophize” – “Every scandal lasts for three days” as one saying goes. Parents usually love their children and do not like them to suffer. If some kind of midlleclass worries should be for them more then your life … well, then it is their problem, really. I mean, do not worry about this.
All the best, Hugo
plz contact me at yahsnasin@yahoo.co.in ,may be we can find a new way out of it
“pain kills pain”
Why is it when people are unwilling to make a change suicide becomes a viable solution? I deal with depression from time to time and always find creative ways to imagine my demise but only as a way to see the door that will always exist in this prison of an reality.
However it may go, we live in change and like the weather you might just might have to wait for that sunny day a little longer, unless the cold touch of a warm barrel is a sunny day. The one choice no one can take from you will always be there.