my pathetic existance

just turned 19 ive already am off to a bad start lost my only friend and the weird part is I DONT EVEN CARE. i have no current desire to patch our friendship up. I guess its because then ill have one less thing to worry about, to act
happy with, to feel judged around and to avoid certain sensitive topics with like what ive been up to. which has been shit all. No job no school, few interesting feats and gossip. i am house bound ii am pathetic and lazy. i stay up all nite searching for the answers and sleep the days away. Alcohol is my best friend. i think i may be just really confused. i suppose i have been moving forward which is comforting: i have been seeing this 25 year old 3 times.we have been talking for awhile now and we share a mutual attraction that wants to expand if only i would let it. but.i am scared of.what it may bring…further ingagements in connections with his friends.and family i dont wanna screw my impressions up. ive been.disconnected from society.. ihave nothing going for me. but maybe.this is just the thing i need, to break me out of this bleak shell im in. fuckmylife please help me. positive thinking isn.t enough. fuck bleh.dont.comment on this gay post. a life full of pain and agony with the illusion of joy which is just the.brief moments of absense.of pai.n fuck everyone just kill me fucking end this sadism.