why do i deserve my life

I don’t understand why I feel this way. It’s like no matter what I do I am still a pathetic worthless piece of trash who deserves to be beaten and raped. I am 22 now and my life should be better I haven’t talked to my step dad in 7 years. I thought I was better now. Last spring I was raped by two strangers and ever since I have been lashing out at people. I want them to hurt me because if I star it then the only person I have to blame is me… The down side is that now I just want it to end it. How can I survive knowing I’ve become the same kind of monster that created me? And I’ve been working on it I’ve become pretty adept at controlling my impulses to provoke people into violence. Only now I’ve got what I was asking for I’ve gone to school with black eyes and nothing better then “I fell down the stairs” to stop the questions. Also as I am typing this I suppose that I have broken ribs since it has been hurting to breath for over a week now and the bruising is significant; this isn’t a professional diagnosis because I wouldn’t dare go to a hospital after all its my fault. WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP!? I know that this is what I’ve been asking for that I want punishment and then death at the hand of another. But why did I choose someone who had never hurt a woman before? God what I must be doing to him it makes me sick. Why can’t I stop? Why do I feel I need this punishment? When I was a child other girls would be fantasizing about prince charming and what the fuck ever while I was day dreaming about someone… anyone kidnapping me, and my mother actually caring. Once I ran away I was gone for 2 days at 11 years old my mother’s boyfriend was beating her and I couldn’t take it anymore. So my sister and I left when we came back because we were hungry and had nowhere else to go. She hugged us then went to her room leaving us to the mercy of her cocaine fiend. Shortly afterwards I met my real father and stayed with him for a summer lets just say his friends were not so nice and he was to fucked up to notice. I sit here and ask my self why do I feel like this is what I deserve even though I know the answer. Because when mom didn’t get her fix she’d kick me across a room and because I’ve been sexually assaulted 4 times since I was 6 and beaten for trying to protect a mother who never protected me. What else is there? Who am I if not a victim? Who am I if not my mothers child. Is there any other way to make it all end? Is there anyway I can become a strong person without becoming a monster? Is there anyway to love me when no one else does?