alone

having a pleasant time high, home alone. i usually have better insight into me and my “distorted” thinking when i am under the influence. major insight of the day-i like being alone too much. i am having a hard time tolerating people. if i am around people i have to talk. and be fairly pleasant. after awhile i can’t keep the facade up-takes too much energy. easier if i just keep my mouth shut and smile. it has gotten to the point where i watch tv with the sound off. i read the subtitles. the chatter, the noise grates on me. what is going on with me? when did human contact become a chore? i have been hiding myself from literally everyone and i am afraid to put my guard down. the greater purpose being to symbolically cut ties with the people in my life ergo making an untimely death easier. an old boyfriend called it a glass cage. i would have to say the cage is reinforced concrete now. so even when i don’t mention the “s” word it is still on my mind. to those who know me this piece of advice-don’t trust me. i have always believed suicide was going to be my exit. it will get me sooner or later. a side note- the band TOOL is my favorite. in a know my music, know me light. the song AENIMA off the album of the same name is a perfect fuck the world song. do your homework Doc, and listen to it.