Nowhere to turn, my time is up

I have been lost for such a long time.  I sometimes think it started the day my mother died but that isn’t it.  Or the day I asked for help the first time I tried to kill myself, and the military discharged me instead.  I really don’t know where I went wrong.  It seems when I ask for help, or try to talk about it, people either don’t want to listen or don’t believe me.  I mean really, how can someone my age be going through this.  I am the one who has these feelings and I struggle to believe it myself.

I left my life a 5 years ago.  Just packed what I could carry and left.  I had enough money to get me into a hotel for a few days but that was it.  I ran away.  I ran for my life.  I drove as far as I could before I got to tired and wound up in Atlanta.  I thought I would be safe there, it is a big city and nobody knew me there.  I took a job as a waiter and found somebody renting a room out.  Everything was ok for a couple months.  I guess that was my mistake.  I dropped my guard and then it all came crashing down again.  I was stopped at a random checkpoint for whatever reason and because I had no insurance, they arrested me.  I was released with a hefty fine, but now I was in the system in Atlanta.  Now with no car and no means to get away this time, I was panicked.  I pulled together as much money as I could quickly and placed an ad looking for a place to stay in another city.  I left again.  I have had to move three more times and thought I was finally somewhere safe but now I am screwed.  I am renting a room and was working in a bar but where I live now, you need a license to serve alcohol and I can’t get a new one.  M license expired a long time ago and getting a new one will let my ex know where I am.  I have tried to find work doing odd jobs for cash but have had no luck.  I have just enough money to either run again with no idea where to go, or to stay for a couple more months.

It seems that I really have no choice in what to do.  I set up a false email to contact my family, but my ex has been in touch with them this whole time.  I really have nowhere to turn.  Every day I fight the urge to just give in and go back knowing what will happen.  If for no other reason than to get it over with.

I am lost, I just don’t have it in me anymore to fight.  I have a supply of a blood thinner that everything I read about it tell me that overdosing on it will cause me to bleed internally and die.  It seems like a painless death.  Maybe after I take the pills, I will be happy again.  Safer, happier, at peace.  I know it seems dramatic and final, but what do I have to live for.  I don’t have it in me to run again with no hope of being safe.

I think it is time for me to be done.  I have decided that I will pay for another month to stay where I am and that will be that.  Looking at that statement and realizing that this will be done in a month, actually makes me feel peace.