In 1993 I committed suicide. It came after years of attempts, and it came not from a long, considered planning process but by sheer circumstance. Looking for one thing I found another. A precursor of sorts. Combined with something else at hand the deed was done. Just before losing consciousness the phone rang. Not knowing I was about to pass out I answered the phone. Then I passed out. When I woke up in an ICU the next day I was angry. So angry that I ripped out the IVs and stalked out of the unit with a gaggle of nurses trailing behind me. I was later told that I’d been dead four or five minutes before I was found and revived.
Almost five years later I returned to that place inside. Only by reaching beyond myself to some ethereal sense of purpose was I able to sidestep what was approaching. Years passed.
Now I’m back to that place inside, again. It’s like coming home after being away for a lengthy stretch. I’m not sure what will happen this time around, but I’ve learned a lot about this place over the years. Its mysteries aren’t very mysterious anymore. Its shadows are all in the same place obscuring all the same unanswerable questions. I’ve begun to think the questions themselves hold no meaning except for those in this realm. Beyond here they are likely meaningless.
2 comments
Wow..very powerful and inspiring! That’s a hell of a situation to go through.
Your back for a reason obviously. Nothing else is going to work out for you till you find that reason. You will know what it is when life starts to turn around for the better.
Step 1: figure out what matters to you
Step 2: try to do it
Step 3: if step 1 and/or 2 fails, either make another attempt, or find something else to try, or decide to refrain from futile pursuits, and try to enjoy what’s left of your time here… even if it is empty and meaningless.