I’m very logical about my suicide

I would interject the distinction that, yes, while there is often (probably most commonly) quite a lot of premeditation… the act itself can still occur somewhat spontaneously and impulsively. You might spend /years/ contemplating your own demise, but then one day the switch just flips, and you “press the button,” and it’s all over.

I often find that contemplating the end is prohibitively complex, complicated, and profoundly overwhelming, to the point of discouraging any contemplation at all. I suppose i will try to be okay, until the day i’m “just done.” I would like to find a way to live a better life, before that happens… but there is a very real possibility that i will not. And i might end up leaving everything in chaos, on my way out. I realize i wouldn’t want it to be that way, but i can’t be sure that i could keep such a promise to myself, to make sure all my loose-ends are sufficiently tied, prior.

Torture is what is inhumane. Merciful granting of death, is the opposite.

The way i see it, guilt-tripping someone into a continued state of perpetual suffering, is far more inhumane than allowing them to choose the end. You could even say that allowing or assisting suicide is actually “humane.” After all, we do this for our “helpless, defenseless” pets, when they are too sick or damaged to heal, instead of demanding they continue suffering until death claims them naturally.

For me, i’ve already crossed the line where whatever “the world” feels, is completely irrelevant. It’s not about everyone else, it’s about Me, and whether i am both willing and able to continue the only life i can be sure i’ll ever have. If i can’t, i can’t. If i won’t, i won’t. It’s not about anyone else. Sure, i would “regret” causing the caring few to suffer for my choice… but just like i have had to tolerate this horrible life, they will have to tolerate one more harsh thing… and though others may disagree, it is actually an indirect thing they would feel, and not something i’m “doing to them.”

I belong to Me, no one else. I am Mine. I may walk away at any time, if that is what i choose. You can’t lose something that doesn’t belong to you. So, when people say “it’s wrong to take your own life,” they’re really claiming your life as something that belongs to them, and not defining another person as something that belongs to themselves. I can’t take something from someone who does not own or possess it. It’s not “taking,” it’s “giving up,” or “sacrificing.”

But this is part of the problem with typical society. You don’t own me! I do! I can’t ‘take’ myself ‘from you,’ because i don’t belong to you! I belong to Me, and it is my choice whether or not to continue owning myself, in this life that i am the only one who has to face and endure.

And, because i know i am my own, and that i belong only to myself… i find value in that. *I* am my most valuable asset. I want to do good and better for Me, for Myself, and i don’t give half a fuck what “the world” thinks of that, unless “the world” tries to stop me from living the life i want (which it does!). Sure, i would like to also do some good for the world… but that alone, without better for myself, is not worth it. I don’t want to support a world that oppresses me and claims ownership of me, and tries to dictate what i am allowed to do with my own, one and only life and being. Fuck the world. I’m here for myself. (which, ironically, sometimes includes caring about the rest of the world, just because i think it’s the right thing to do, and justifiable to care about others. ;))

I’m still here because i’m not completely convinced that i absolutely cannot improve any of what matters… but it does usually seem very unlikely, and i do get discouraged… and that leads me to consider that maybe i should just give up.

Just felt like sharing, i guess.