It’s weird how calculated I’m being about my own need to take my own life. The reason I’m here in the first place is because I have so many emotions I can’t control/deal with anymore. And here I am thinking of all the things I need to get in order before I go. I need to get a job and pay off my student loans so my parents aren’t left with grief AND debt. I need to leave them all my passwords. I need to get my room in order and get rid of as much stuff so they don’t have to go through everything all sad and whatnot. It’s weird how coldly I’m able to calculate all of this. How calmly I’m going through everything and trying to think of everything when usually all day I try not to think about anything. I used to enjoy setting goals and reach them I guess. I haven’t enjoyed that for a long time. I guess I’ve finally found another goal I wanna reach….painfully sad to see yourself dwindle to this point. But c’est la vie. And the lack thereof.
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Well, actually I have the same approach. It seems it’s true what I read a while ago: suicide is seldom done impulsively.
I know the feeling. I have done the same things you have done …rehashing the idea over and over to get it just right…. Thinking of getting every detail correct and making sure you don’t botch anything….Its weird but necessary.
@ derityllaermai….I think its very rarely done impulsively….
I would interject the distinction that, yes, while there is often (probably most commonly) quite a lot of premeditation… the act itself can still occur somewhat spontaneously and impulsively. You might spend /years/ contemplating your own demise, but then one day the switch just flips, and you “press the button,” and it’s all over.
I often find that contemplating the end is prohibitively complex, complicated, and profoundly overwhelming, to the point of discouraging any contemplation at all. I suppose i will try to be okay, until the day i’m “just done.” I would like to find a way to live a better life, before that happens… but there is a very real possibility that i will not. And i might end up leaving everything in chaos, on my way out. I realize i wouldn’t want it to be that way, but i can’t be sure that i could keep such a promise to myself, to make sure all my loose-ends are sufficiently tied, prior.
I think you’re all right. I mean it’s obvious we’ve all thought this over pretty extensively. I can’t imagine anyone just killing themselves the first time the idea ever pops in their brain. It’s when your brain keeps going back to that idea over and over again that it seems more likely it’s going to happen.
@clevername I love that you’re holding on for that little bit of hope. If I had any I would be clinging to it as well. From what I’ve read of PainNlife it seems we’re on the same page. It’s not really a matter of if it’s moreso when, so tying up loose ends is like our way of bringing some humanity to an act that obviously is not all too humane.
I doubt I would do this if I felt like I could bring some more good to this world. But I just don’t see that happening.
Torture is what is inhumane. Merciful granting of death, is the opposite.
The way i see it, guilt-tripping someone into a continued state of perpetual suffering, is far more inhumane than allowing them to choose the end. You could even say that allowing or assisting suicide is actually “humane.” After all, we do this for our “helpless, defenseless” pets, when they are too sick or damaged to heal, instead of demanding they continue suffering until death claims them naturally.
For me, i’ve already crossed the line where whatever “the world” feels, is completely irrelevant. It’s not about everyone else, it’s about Me, and whether i am both willing and able to continue the only life i can be sure i’ll ever have. If i can’t, i can’t. If i won’t, i won’t. It’s not about anyone else. Sure, i would “regret” causing the caring few to suffer for my choice… but just like i have had to tolerate this horrible life, they will have to tolerate one more harsh thing… and though others may disagree, it is actually an indirect thing they would feel, and not something i’m “doing to them.”
I belong to Me, no one else. I am Mine. I may walk away at any time, if that is what i choose. You can’t lose something that doesn’t belong to you. So, when people say “it’s wrong to take your own life,” they’re really claiming your life as something that belongs to them, and not defining another person as something that belongs to themselves. I can’t take something from someone who does not own or possess it. It’s not “taking,” it’s “giving up,” or “sacrificing.”
But this is part of the problem with typical society. You don’t own me! I do! I can’t ‘take’ myself ‘from you,’ because i don’t belong to you! I belong to Me, and it is my choice whether or not to continue owning myself, in this life that i am the only one who has to face and endure.
And, because i know i am my own, and that i belong only to myself… i find value in that. *I* am my most valuable asset. I want to do good and better for Me, for Myself, and i don’t give half a fuck what “the world” thinks of that, unless “the world” tries to stop me from living the life i want (which it does!). Sure, i would like to also do some good for the world… but that alone, without better for myself, is not worth it. I don’t want to support a world that oppresses me and claims ownership of me, and tries to dictate what i am allowed to do with my own, one and only life and being. Fuck the world. I’m here for myself. (which, ironically, sometimes includes caring about the rest of the world, just because i think it’s the right thing to do, and justifiable to care about others. ;))
I’m still here because i’m not completely convinced that i absolutely cannot improve any of what matters… but it does usually seem very unlikely, and i do get discouraged… and that leads me to consider that maybe i should just give up.
Just felt like sharing, i guess.
please dont hurt your self it will destory your family
and it sound like you love them very much please get help tell them how your felling
so they can help you and GOD LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND EVERY ON ON HERE
PLEASE THINK ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU
HERE IS A TRUE STORY OF SOME ONE I KNOW
THE MOTHER CAME HOME AND FOUND HER SON DEAD HE TOOK IS LIFE
MONTHS LATER ALL THE PAIN AND SADNESS AND SORROW KILLED THE MOM
SHE KILLED HER SELF SO PLEASE DONT HURT YOUR SELD CRY OUT TO GOD
FOR HELP PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SONG http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJdSxd74GBk LOVE JOHN
@clevername I like you’re take on it and agree on a lot of points. Although getting to this low of a point has shown me how connected but isolated we all are. It’s really quite weird. Because the only emotions we’ll ever experience are our own, but at the same time I think we are greatly affected by those immediately around us. That’s kind of why I wish my family were horrible, I really feel like I’m just causing two generally good people all sorts of pain they don’t deserve. But the paradox is that’s not helping me get better, it just makes me feel more guilty and worthless. I wish I felt more like I belonged to me and was “master of my fate, captain of my soul” more often back when I was “well”. I wish I wouldn’t have forgotten that. I feel like I’ve compromised myself to be *correct or what other people needed too many times and that’s what made me hate myself. I really don’t know. I’m just rambling now. Thanks for the response though.
@hopefortoday I really appreciate you trying to bring light into the dark but I’ve obviously sunk really low here. My parents know exactly how I’m feeling. When I’m just sitting in a room and well up with tears out of nowhere…they know where my mind has wandered to. I’m in therapy. But the thing is- no one can help me but me, and frankly, I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting and trying to help myself. I feel like I’m too far gone to accept the help even if I had the strength to give it. You sound like a nice, hopeful person though and I want you to know your words aren’t in vain for those who need an encouraging word. Unfortunately, I’m beyond that being of any help, however nice it is to see. I actually used to go to church all the time and really felt close to God. I guess I still believe in Him. Just don’t really think He believes in me anymore. Don’t blame Him either.