even at the Top im at the bottom

When i feel im doing something good with my life something happens that shoots me into the ground.Being the youngest of five most would think i would be the babyed one the spoiled little bastard that gets what ever i ask for.And where i have received the things i had wanted im told its just because im the baby one,not that i had done something good enough for a reward.Always being told that beauty is the only way you’ll make in the world is depressing when you find your self disgusting at times i will act as if im happy so i dont bring down my girlfriend,my one friend and family,But i can’t even really say family “FAMILY” is suppost to be there for you when you feel down and help you out when your in a bind main word there “SUPPOST ” .Family is a made up word for people who want to imagine that the feeling is wrong.WRONG WRONG WRONG that is what im  told i am for every thing i say and do tell someone feel bad “your wrong ,you dont have any reason to feel like that what is so bad about your life you have a home”thats all material things what i want is to be told that i do have a fighting chance to make something of myself but when i say “hey im going to try to get a job”>family>”you want to leave us what did we do to deserve this crap”WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE THIS” maybe its all the time you told me that “i was not good enough or that looks will make you have a better life”At times i am told i look good then i think for a while then say there lying to me so i dont do anything that will make there little perfect life on hold.People have said to me “i love you” even when i say i know no matter what i say no matter who it is i dont fucking believe them i have really thought about everything i have done in my life and i cant find one fucking thing at any point in my life that would even make any since of why some one could or even would love me.The simple fact is that there lying to me just like the “supposed family” Why why why do they lie what does it do for them to hurt me with the thought that they do love me why? there is no chance in this life or the next if there is that some one would truely with out wanting some thing from me 100% love me for me no matter what anyone says it bullshitlies and properganda to keep this world spinning thats it nothing more nothing less.Here is a quick poem i wrote called “INVALID” Invalid in life no love no loss just us fighting to let out our feeling.I let them out without words i lack the words to tell you how i feel.I might be sad? i might be mad but when i see you im glad that a dream came true and that there is a chance i get to be with you.What is here what is there that we dont see my loss is invalid your love is not approved.We fight this life that will not end WITHOUT YOU BY MY SIDE”I forget when i wrote it but i do remember i did it in school.When our people going to die i wonder to myself when i lay in bed next to my girlfriend i think what would really happen if she was not there the next day when i awoke really life would go on but not for long as far as i can tell she is as close as im going to get to being fully happy in life.But even in that thought i still feel it wont last i still know that this happyness will fall to the ground and rot away just like every thing else that has ever made me happy for a bit.And just knowing that makes me wonder what is really keeping me here really i dont know all i look forward to is death because if i have kids they’ll die and i’ll be hurt again,my girlfriend will not be there to tell me it’s going to be alright i dont believe anything is or ever has been good if something is suppostedly good to me that means there is no pain anywhere at that momment there are no tears rolling down peoples cheeks there is just people feeling ecstasy every one for one momment is okay .There for there is no true happyness in the world you might say ” oh i had a good day” yeah maybe you did that is not a good day when a few people had a day without heart aches that is not a good day when only a small group of people had a “good” day.How is it that people say god is great he did this he did that “oh yeah he also lets people  be burn alive  or drown like my friend “how the fuck can you say someone is good or great if they let someone die and be hurt willingly not helping and at that point why in the fuck would some one “great” let people who kill rape and demean people Well heres your answer there is no god really if there is he is one brutal guy that is just a pissed off kid sitting on top of an ant hill burning them with a magnifying glass.When i got arrested when i was thirteen my mom came to visit me in jail and she said when you get out i have some bad news i got her to tell me what had happend my friend christion had died and he had drowned in a near by lake he layed at the bottom of the lake 250 feet below for a month in 29 days i heard my mom tell my dad that when they brought him out of the water his flesh fell off and that fish were eating his body below the water.I can remember going to my room just thinking of the words my mom had said over and over i still have his obituariy. I keep it in my favorite book.People always find a way to get over things why should people try to get over these things like friends and family dying or things that had happend to us as young kids i feel it is wrong to tell someone there feelings are not right and you may say well your saying it well no shit but i dont give a shit what you think i just found this website and started thinking and typeing down my thoughts and feelings. im not sure how to end this so maybe i’ll end with my own quote “IF YOU HAD ONLY LIVED” MY EMAIL IS MEINREICHISTWUNDERBAR@GMAIL.COM