There are better things in the horizon

Bieng someone who has struggled with suicidal tendencies up until about 3 years ago, i have attempted suicide at least a dozen times and numerous other careless acts against my body i know the struggles and know that it can get better. I am 21 years old have been severely physically and mentally abused by my father my entire childhood from being and infant till i moved out when i was 18. He has come at me with an axe on several occasions, beaten me with peices of wood numerous times, ( like a 2 by 4) broken my guitar on me,kicked me(normally with his boots on), punched me,throw me down stairs , spit on me in my mouth (since i have a massive phobia of spit) , has called me every name in the book, beat my mother and my younger sister in front me normally after somebody would tell him to stop. He is the most sick sadistic loser of a human being I’ve ever known, the only person to ever bully me as since of my abuse i was always looking ways to prove to myself i wasnt weak getting into fights at school or outside of school for whatever reason i could find. Most Scars on my body are from him my nose my arms my face most from his facination with his axe holding it to my face pushing it against my neck pulling it away fast and getting my arm or something. One thing he always did was tell me to kill myself toss me a knife,boxcutter, or whatever sharp object near him, normally was to afraid to i only every attempted to kill myself with a knife once luckily i had a sweater on and was more focused on looking at myself in the mirror than where i was stabbing and caught my zipper bruised badly but it kind of made me think more and i got scared and put the knife away that was probably the 4th time i had tried would’ve been about 13 years old at the time first time i tried to kill myself i was probably 10 years old heard somewhere if you drank peroxide it would kill you still havent looked into it but i chugged the entire bottle and dont remember anything after that but passed out rushed to the hospital luckily my mother was home had my stomach pumped and was back home in no time though. My dad has never known of any of my suicide attempts and the reason i would go about was to fuck him over and hoped he would maybe kill himself . I attempted to drown myself didnt work as i just surfaced after passing out came to luckily face up as i was so relaxed and at peace with killing myself felt it was the right way. many many attempts, one thing i always did to myself i would never speak against my father at least not till around the time i finally moved out so when he would leave i would have all this built up rage and break things of mine smash things hit myself even after i had just gotten beaten ive broken my hands and my feet to many times to count on the objects ive hit and my toes and fingers are always popping out of place if i just move them the wrong way, But i never found a way to channel my anguish but pain because i had come so accustom to it  and would act out sometimes to get beat by my father because i would miss the pain into my late teens. I was always unlucky there were times i had tried to fight back but my father is actually a very expeirenced fighter doing it professionally for about 27 years so i could never go toe to toe with him.My father is since on medication since ive moved away ive always loved my father part of the reason he didnt spend his entire life in prison though i will never trust or forgive him for alot ive come along way from who i was and i am not a spitefull,angry person one thing ive taught myself is towork around our issues it took a long time and i still only talk to him about a few times a year. what im on here to say though is just simply getting this out in writing will make you feel better as you may feel your alone we are not this is very common ive often found comfort in thinking no one knows how i feel but people do though ive never truly opened up to anyone but one of my ex girlfriends this is the second time i have shared my story this one alot more in detail than the last one thing i wish i did is just take a chance and talk to someone about my issues. I ended up acting on them on my own moving out when i was 18 tottally removing myself from the terrible things that went on daily and that on its own felt 100x better bieng able to wake up and know i can walk into the kitchen without worrying about what problem would be there that morning i got myself work i knew i would enjoy doig i was running at bar & restauraunt eventualy was serving and bartending. But iwas constantly making changes to my life doing things that i thought would make me happy and would make me happy moved to vancouver love it out here started doing fundraisers for endangered species like the Siberian Tiger (Amur Tiger) doing positive things to occupy my time these last 3 years i wouldnt even think of contemplating suicide i have to much of a life to live i think of if i hadnt caught the zipper and wouldnt get to expeirence the things i am now the people i have touched the changes i am trying to make everyone has this oppurtunity do not take the easy way out there is a way around everything please we all have things to live for find a hobby, a cause to fight for, or something you love everyones struggle is different but pain is pain the worst thing that happens to someone will always stand out whether you were abused,raped,bullied, or whatever it may be anyone who wants to talk i would love to email me at rileyparsons@hotmail.com im no psychiatrist so dont worry me about slapping any labels or trying you how to live your life we can just talk  its hard to go about finding someone to talk about who has suffered similar experience believe me i know. (sorry for the lack of punctuation it frustrates alot of people i know:P)