Is my dad abusive?

I think there are a couple of things that cross the line. The violent shaking in particular. Speaking his negative beliefs into your brother is another one. And doing it in front of the family is a third. I don’t know whether his volatility is exacerbated by drinking or drugs, but it also makes me concerned about her ability to provide balance or damage control–particularly if he never clarifies his concerns or actions during a calmer moment.

My dad had his own business, yet his volatility was predictable. He never laid a hand on me, but the internal terror I sensed when he came home made me feel like i had to lay low and anticipate and pre-emptively remedy anything that could set him off; but I also had a devout Catholic mother who would address his nonsense in no uncertain terms, trying to explain traumas he’d endured, while not condoning his actions. It didn’t immediately change the mood, but her tolerant (albeit annoyed) perspective restored a sense of balance and other possibilities that reduced our sense of being a burden or at fault.

I’m sorry you and your siblings have to witness this. And I hope you don’t have survivor’s guilt for being spared his harangues. Whatever his frustrations are, and however limited his coping strategies are, it is inappropriate for it all to be unloaded on you and your siblings. You can’t be expected to be his parent (of him) and protector of your siblings.

As a father myself, there have been times that I’ve gotten very upset. I have never harmed my son (although one of our wrestling sessions got out of hand and had him both laughing and crying at the same time), but I have always made an effort (usually after reading nightly books with him) to ask whether he had a happy time that day, a sad time, or a scary time. I’ve tried to help him differentiate and affirm his emotions as well as help him understand that we often have to deal with good and bad things on the same day.

But mostly, I haven’t shied away from apologizing for my behavior, expanding upon the specifics, and clarifying that sometimes people have clashes over different needs. I can’t think of any time when he hasn’t readily forgiven me, but it has been important to me to lift off any shame or negative beliefs he might have about himself as a result of any negative interaction.

I share this, not because I’m super dad (far from it), but to give you an idea of other images of fatherhood for the scrapbook of your heart. Sometimes, we know what we got is less than ideal, but I think it is then useful to insert a blank facing page and let your heart show you what might have been healthier.

Sometimes parents need help to see what they are doing, and i’m reluctant to suggest those, but i hope you can get some support. Sometimes a few positive shifts can break the log jam to improved strategies, but it can take time. In the meantime, there are resources that can help you and your family.

Sending you peace ….

-T