My dad is always getting pissed off all day. I think he’s just really stressed all the time. And I get that but he lets his anger show all the time (a little too much for my taste) Anyways so I decided to type this up right now because I just recently witnessed my dad’s abusive parenting?(I don’t know if it was) My dad just got done screaming at my little brother for having bad grades. Not only did he scream at him but he also grabbed him tightly by the arms like he was some kind of dummy and started shaking him violently while he was cussing him out at the top of his lungs. Then he got even more angry when he saw all of his missing assignments online. And then he threw him on the ground.(followed by more cussing and screaming and a kick to his you know what) He also told him that he was stupid. He also just did all this in front of my younger sister and obviously me. He does this all the time too when he just freaks the f*** out. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this…….he’s done this to me and my other siblings before and they were all just as bad if not sometimes worst. My little brother may be lazy but this isn’t the right way to take care of the problem……is it? Â My brother is a tough little guy because you could tell he was about to shed a million tears but he didn’t. And I’m just so confused because he’s always taking care of us? He feeds us and he makes sure we’re always doing ok…..I think? Ugh he’s so confusing. I just don’t get it. Why does my dad do this if he claims that he loves us? I thought he loved my mom too but she left him.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
8 comments
Someone can take care of their family but still be abusive. Abuse comes in many shapes and forms, and your father is indeed abusive. Do you feel that you are in any extreme danger? If so, you need to report him.
Definitely abusive. Even without the physical stuff, just screaming and telling a kid that they’re stupid is abusive. Not sure how close you are with siblings but if you can try to step in and let your brother know you are there for him. You can encourage him to try harder in school but mainly let him know that he can talk to you if he needs to and not let your dad get to him. Let him know he has a friend because a parent being hard on you can really mess you up for life. Best thing you guys can do is stick together.
I think there are a couple of things that cross the line. The violent shaking in particular. Speaking his negative beliefs into your brother is another one. And doing it in front of the family is a third. I don’t know whether his volatility is exacerbated by drinking or drugs, but it also makes me concerned about her ability to provide balance or damage control–particularly if he never clarifies his concerns or actions during a calmer moment.
My dad had his own business, yet his volatility was predictable. He never laid a hand on me, but the internal terror I sensed when he came home made me feel like i had to lay low and anticipate and pre-emptively remedy anything that could set him off; but I also had a devout Catholic mother who would address his nonsense in no uncertain terms, trying to explain traumas he’d endured, while not condoning his actions. It didn’t immediately change the mood, but her tolerant (albeit annoyed) perspective restored a sense of balance and other possibilities that reduced our sense of being a burden or at fault.
I’m sorry you and your siblings have to witness this. And I hope you don’t have survivor’s guilt for being spared his harangues. Whatever his frustrations are, and however limited his coping strategies are, it is inappropriate for it all to be unloaded on you and your siblings. You can’t be expected to be his parent (of him) and protector of your siblings.
As a father myself, there have been times that I’ve gotten very upset. I have never harmed my son (although one of our wrestling sessions got out of hand and had him both laughing and crying at the same time), but I have always made an effort (usually after reading nightly books with him) to ask whether he had a happy time that day, a sad time, or a scary time. I’ve tried to help him differentiate and affirm his emotions as well as help him understand that we often have to deal with good and bad things on the same day.
But mostly, I haven’t shied away from apologizing for my behavior, expanding upon the specifics, and clarifying that sometimes people have clashes over different needs. I can’t think of any time when he hasn’t readily forgiven me, but it has been important to me to lift off any shame or negative beliefs he might have about himself as a result of any negative interaction.
I share this, not because I’m super dad (far from it), but to give you an idea of other images of fatherhood for the scrapbook of your heart. Sometimes, we know what we got is less than ideal, but I think it is then useful to insert a blank facing page and let your heart show you what might have been healthier.
Sometimes parents need help to see what they are doing, and i’m reluctant to suggest those, but i hope you can get some support. Sometimes a few positive shifts can break the log jam to improved strategies, but it can take time. In the meantime, there are resources that can help you and your family.
Sending you peace ….
-T
Just to clarify, by “her” in the first paragraph, I was referring to your mom.
Secondly, while we all grow inresponsibility and self care, your brother’s grades, are to an extent, the responsibilty of your parents. I’m not suggesting that they should be helping so much that the work isn’t your brothers, but with grades and test scores on line, parents certainly have the ability to monitor their kids progress so that, interventions can be made (tutors, weekly and daily check-ins about assignments) so there are no surprises. Even if your brother has no learning issues, little boys like to play and procrastinate; this can create an additional monitoring burden for parents, but it is often necessary, especially with the extra activities that kids often engage in.
So, it sounds like your dad’s response may be due to your brother holding up a mirror to your dad, exacerbating painful judgements your dad may have about himself as a child, or about being an ill-equipped father to prevent history from repeating itself. This is all conjecture of course, but your dad also probably sees your brother’s performance as a reflection on your dad as a parent and as a man.
Well then he should have never had 5 kids if that’s his problem. He obviously can’t handle this many. I don’t believe he has what it takes to be a responsible father.
@lonewolf23 what have u done so far? Listen dear, it’s only gonna get worse as u grow up and ur problems increase.try talkin to him that u dont like that and u think maybe he should get some help or counseling..now he can either take it well or insult u..he could hve some sort of disorded that makes him imable to control himself of he acts othrwise loving. but this doesnt mean u hve to suffer this. life is infaor. amd u dont hve to take that shit he could cause u or ur siblings a chronic disabling next time he hiys u. good luck let mr know wat u do. ps: keep.911 in ur mind next time he gets a temper tentrum like that. best of luck.
@lonewolf23
My mother was the most abusive person I’ve ever met. Your father is displacing his anger towards you guys. He’s taking whatever he’s going thru out on you guys. It’s not fair, but it’s not uncommon either. My mother did the same thing to me and my younger brother. For instance, she cut my fingers off because I shaved my sisters eyebrows and mines as well. It was brutal and it happened 20 years ago but it feels like yesterday. All I can say it ls, be close to your siblings, love them and care for them. What happened to us made us close to one another and that is a blessing in disguise.
Ps. Don’t forget to pray GOD listens =)
Thanks for the response….. I appreciate the support…and I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. Damn that sucks…..I hope things are better for you now. And yes I agree…..it was a blessing in disguise.