I feel so selfish for even feeling this way. My life isn’t even bad, but I feel so utterly lost and confused about everything. I feel like no matter how hard I try the people around me aren’t happy with me. I feel like I’m not allowed to think or feel or act how I want, that my parents and uncle and boyfriend want to control those things for me.
I constantly think about how I wish I could crawl under a giant rock and just disappear. Because I’m too cowardly for suicide, and anyway I don’t have access to the things I want to use for it (excessive pharmaceuticals, or possibly a gun).
I feel like a useless piece of existence. A human who merely uses up resources and takes up space.
Yesterday my mom got mad at me and later I heard her talking to the rest of my family about how she’s tired of how I act, and how she wants to beat me, and I don’t even know what I did to become such a terrible daughter in her eyes.
It’s events like this that make me want to go away. Maybe I would be missed, but I feel like I wouldn’t be for long. Soon people would realize that a large burden has actually been lifted from their shoulders, and they would rejoice.
I don’t know. Every day I feel emptier and emptier. I feel like I’m becoming a shell of myself, an empty sack of the person I once was. Reality is starting to feel… Unreal. Nothing feels real, nothing feels meaningful. I just don’t want to be here.
5 comments
You shouldnt feel selfish. I completly understand the mom problem. My mom is exactly like that and basically hates my guts. she doesn’t understand the things i want to be. and now she cant understand why im depressed. I can relate so closely with you. It really sucks. Its maddening. Its it just sucks. I don’t know how i can explain it. Most times Im like you a shell. But sometimes im just filled with so many emotions and so much anger. at myself. i wish i could give advice but i just…what can i say?
I can relate. I didn’t know other people felt this way. I feel like I keep going through these bouts of being totally fine to just dropping into feeling worthless and empty. I feel like no one cares (any why should they? I’m a disaster). I can also relate to feeling like I might be missed if I disappeared, but not for long. There are maybe 5 people who would care, but they’d get over it. My boyfriend would just find someone new, my parents and brother would deal with it, and my job would just hire someone else. I’ve felt like this my whole life, and I always thought it would go away, but it doesn’t.
I don’t have the mom problem – I have that with my dad. I tried to tell my parents when I was a teenager that I was depressed, and he just yelled at me and said I was ungrateful. Any friends I tried to talk to always somehow made it about them. I haven’t opened up about these feelings in about 10 years at least. Thank you for having the courage to post, I’m glad to know it’s not just me, and maybe I’m not that fucked up.
I wish I could make you feel better, but all I can feel is emptiness as well, and I don’t know how to fill the void. Drugs, shopping, food, sex, alcohol – none of it works. For me, it tends to wax and wane. Not seasonally, just randomly. I hope it wanes for you soon.
I relate to you too. Sadly I have my mum and 2 aunts that always everything I do is wrong. Do you wanna talk? I’m free. may.chan99@yahoo.com.my
I never thought that anyone could feel this same way. I have felt this way since I was 6 & I am 31 now. I dont know how I’ve survived so long. I’ve tried to get help, but no one cares & I was actually told by a psychologist that they cannot help me cos of the way my brain works!! I get used then dumped when I’m not needed anymore. I really feel like a waste of space. I can say your not alone, but what does that phrase really mean???
hey i am suffering from the same problem i am fed up now i want to leave everyone i just want to kill myself because i am use less i am shit who ruined life of my family. i listen music or eat to reveal my tension but this is not the solution .