I feel so selfish for even feeling this way. My life isn’t even bad, but I feel so utterly lost and confused about everything. I feel like no matter how hard I try the people around me aren’t happy with me. I feel like I’m not allowed to think or feel or act how I want, that my parents and uncle and boyfriend want to control those things for me.
I constantly think about how I wish I could crawl under a giant rock and just disappear. Because I’m too cowardly for suicide, and anyway I don’t have access to the things I want to use for it (excessive pharmaceuticals, or possibly a gun).
I feel like a useless piece of existence. A human who merely uses up resources and takes up space.
Yesterday my mom got mad at me and later I heard her talking to the rest of my family about how she’s tired of how I act, and how she wants to beat me, and I don’t even know what I did to become such a terrible daughter in her eyes.
It’s events like this that make me want to go away. Maybe I would be missed, but I feel like I wouldn’t be for long. Soon people would realize that a large burden has actually been lifted from their shoulders, and they would rejoice.
I don’t know. Every day I feel emptier and emptier. I feel like I’m becoming a shell of myself, an empty sack of the person I once was. Reality is starting to feel… Unreal. Nothing feels real, nothing feels meaningful. I just don’t want to be here.