Sometimes it’s not always about your surroundings and situations. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I hate myself. I have my good and bad days like everyone else. If I’m honest though, I can’t stand myself. I can hardly find a single positive attribute of myself. That is simply the fact of it for me. My life has been a series of shitty decisions on my part, situations/circumstances/incidents that have crippled me and/or haunted me. I’ve always told myself that there are people who have it worse and not to be a baby. I have done most everything I can think of both voluntary and not so much. Psych Wards, psychologists, medication, prayer, talking to a close person in my life, trying to be/get close to God, focusing on someone else more than myself (for years of taking care of them and putting them ahead of me), and still I find no escape. I hate the things I’ve been through. I hate what I’m going through in life right now. But those things I can deal with. Mostly I hate me. I hate living with myself every day. I hate that people love me and put time and energy into me when I don’t deserve it. If most of them were truly aware of who I really am and how I really am…they wouldn’t hesitate to leave me. And I am to much of a self serving coward to even summon the courage to be honest! I lie, I manipulate, I cheat, I steal, and I am pretty fucking worthless. I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with anybody and I’m not a good daughter, friend, spouse, aunt, or sister. I hate myself so much. And it’s so shitty cause I mostly hate me for other people being deceived into loving me and caring for me. And I already know that I’m just going to hurt them and fuck them over. And it kills cause I don’t want to and I try so hard not to. I care just enough for it to kill me that I’ve hurt them but not enough it seems for it to change me..at least not permanently. I just want them to start hating me as much as I do so they will cut me out of their lives so they can finally make themselves happy. I have taken so much undeserved love from these people. When suicide crosses my mind it really is to benefit the people around me. They wouldn’t understand that…but that’s only because I haven’t told them and been honest about all the reasons that they should have left me with a big fat “fuck you” a while ago. Hence my contemplation of suicide currently.
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I hate me too. For different reasons but I know how hard it is to be stuck in your own head. There’s no way out. You can end relationships with others but you cant’ get away from yourself. Torture.
Kell33552,
The thing that stuck out most to me in your post is your deep concern for those close to you. You feel your death would be nothing but a positive to them, but that is a common belief among those who are enduring a horrible time. When you feel enclosed in darkness, it’s easy to convince oneself of things such as, “My loved ones? Meh … they’ll be better off without me, anyway.” It is very heartbreaking to feel that we are hurting those we care about, but I think taking yourself out of their lives would be the most painful thing you could do.
L4Y
L4y,
I know it would hurt them. But not as much as they think it would if I delivered some honesty before I did it. They would miss the me they know…but not the real me. If they knew ME they wouldn’t be so heartbroken at the thought of me being gone. What they don’t know can’t hurt them…pretty true statement. But what they don’t know, that you do know, will eat YOU alive.
Nolifesupport,
I read your post explaining a bit about yourself and situation. My heart goes out to you and your family. I have no kids but I have 16 nieces and nephews and I am the youngest of 10 kids. Children make life difficult. Mostly because they are always watching and everything we do/say affects them. It’s difficult. I find very few things in this world any kind of good, pure, or innocent. But children hold a special place in my heart. I’d quickly and without regret kill someone that committed an unforgivable act against one of my nieces or nephews. I wish you all the strength in the world to keep your head above the every rising waters of life that threaten to pull us under at any given moment. Feel free to get a hold of me on here any time you’d like to talk.
Undeserving,
You stated in your post that you have bad traits such as stealing, cheating and manipulating. I am curious: do you feel a desire to change and do you believe you are capable of doing so? I have to think that you are, especially as you have expressed your care for your nieces and nephews. That tells me that despite what you believe about yourself, there is good inside of you.
As for honesty about yourself being hurtful to those close to you, yes, I’m sure it wouldn’t be easy for your friends and family to hear. But if you are making an effort to change and they can see that, I feel it would help them in being more understanding.
Of course, I realize I say all of this without knowing your entire story. I wish you the best and hope everything works out.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)