A sad story that made it all come back

Hi everyone, I used to be a frequently posting member of SP even before the site’s new look and new options with the dash (….which really wasn’t all that long ago guess.) I usually found answers and help here whenever it was sought, but it has been awhile since I have come here to say anything of real pertinence. I am back now because I have a real strong conviction and yearning to commit suicide and stop all of this damaged, irreparable ruinage. I know such things get said over and over on SP’ however it is difficult to go through a simple day without clinging to a suicidal plan…

[I will try not to blather on about specifics too much I promise]…Without going into too many details, I spent some extremely distressing, abusive, torturous,, and traumatic time in a jail (whether deserved or not I do not know as charges are being contested still), but one thing I can say for sure is that I am NOT violent in any sense of the word, legality included. I hurt nobody and did nothing involving another person or something like dealing drugs. The distress and mental anguish was too much for me to handle and so I dropped out of college (a semester and a half away from graduation.) I held onto working a job as long as I could, but I found that I couldn’t handle that anymore either with constant nightmares plaguing me – so I lost that as well. My former friends left my side when they found out about my jail thing. My roomate (best friend since 6, now 23, or person who crashes on my couch without making any kind of financial contributions) owes me very, very needed money that could help pay for some therapy or other obvious benefits. I lost my family support during all of this crisis event stuff – and the further jail time that I face combined with my alleged drug abuse continues to keep them distant…the list of shit I’m sure you all don’t really want to read readily goes on, but maybe this sliver gives you an idea of how some things are. Nightmares of the the jail abuse, torture, theft, trauma, loved ones abandoning me, my love essentially killing me over and over…It’s hard to sleep. Drugs are a temporary relief but have no practical use breaking through this sort of stuff’s levels of immensity. I visit a bridge frequently and sit on the edge contemplating jumping. Nothing really breaks through this wall of hardship and I’m too weak to say “hey I want to turn my life around.”… i was given everything and then I squandered it. I ruined my life as far as i’m concerned. my siblings are IVY League MDs and PTs as well as my parents. Me? I’m a suicidal drug addict.

Thanks for listening, good to be back (in a way)
The Distress