Maybe I can’t do it. I know my soul. It gets satisfaction only in degradation. I just want to rot. I think that’s because I have seen the end, traveled the farthest . There is nothing left for me to know. And I know it’s all futile. And it doesn’t prompt me to suicide; it only prevents me from finding a positive, satisfying motivation in doing anything that’s beneficial for me. And that would be all good and satisfying, i would be very happy in rotting, if there wasn’t this constant pressure, this sense of obligation that i feel towards my family. I just can’t make anybody suffer because of me. and i’m saying ‘can’t’ not as morally but as incapability. I have long lost my morals and in my personal thoughts i don’t care about anybody. but it is something i can’t do. my body, my mind, my soul, none of them can make another person suffer because of me. And so here I am, torn between lack of purpose and this obligation/psychological pressure of making something out of myself. I still dream about a life where i have no boundation, no peer pressure, no expectation from anyone; where i just lie on a road, dressed in torn, dirty clothes, long hairs and beard, laughing at people in hurry. How satisfying, fulfilling, peaceful that would be.
I just want to be alone. That’s all I’ve ever asked from the world – to leave me alone. Yet my parents can’t seem to let go of me. However i think if i am let alone by them, if i live alone in an apartment for a few months, i will just disappear into the world. i don’t think i can live alone and still do anything for my parents or for society. and ofcourse not for myself. i never sought a good/stable life for me. and even if i want to, my lack of purpose won’t let me.
Why didn’t i run away last year??????!!!!!!
although i think if i’m again given such a chance, i still won’t. such is my lust for “sacrificing”. such is my lust for “spite”. I feel like they’re paying me, that i’m having my justice, taking my revenge by suffering. however convoluted it may seem, my own suffering feels to me like my revenge against them.
Can something positive still occur out of me? Can i still find something unequivocal, something which doesn’t create doubt in me, something which i can pursue purely? What is it that covers all aspects of human nature? What is it that can cover all my aspects, all my knowledge, all my tendencies and still be there pure and untouched? I no longer have “hope”, so you can’t tempt me towards a theoretical goal the desire of getting which exists only in mind. it must cover all my existential aspects. Either that or it should change me so that i start liking even mundane things.
It is curiosity, a feeling of innocence and virginity, that makes a person go further, into the unknown, excited to face the unknown next moment. Am i curious about anything? What is it that can make me curious? I am a perfect example of old age (just as i was once a perfect example of youth). What can motivate an old person? What can he be curious about when he has already seen everything and all he sees ahead of him is death? That’s me. I already know everything. And all i see ahead is death. maybe its just the bodily energy of youth that bugs me again and again to do something. but my mind, although it’s not tired/weary/old, deep down already has attained the wisdom of olds.
But i’m lying. it’s not about the result. I saturated through that illusion too. I think I’m not doing anything, not motivated because I only see death ahead, but that’s just a theoretical thing, an intellectual reason I tell myself for my inability to do anything. In actual, what’s really happening in our body and mind, is a play of energy. Nicola Tesla said: “If you want to discover secrets of universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibrations.” And i’ve found that it very well applies to our own secrets too. our intellect and our “reasons” are mere after-effects, often convoluted and illusory, of this play of energy, frequency and vibrations. Sorry to end abruptly.
1 comment
I read yours too.