Tonight is bad. Bad day at work. When my shift ended, I ran out of there on the dot. I can’t stand the job from the company to the day to day work. The managers are okay until they say one thing, then say the opposite. Makes me crazy. So, I was pushed to the edge tonight. I distracted myself with reading. I ate ice cream, cake, cookies, pizza. It felt good for like two minutes. Then nothing. No good feelings. I took the slow spiral dissent into my deep, dark feelings of waning to die. Just wanting this madness to end! Can’t get a strong foothold to be able to trust life and find people and activities to be happy.
But I won’t quit. I won’t let these bad, ugly, horrid feelings be my last.
I won’t let my strong will and strength I’ve learned by getting through this pain go for naught.
I know in that last moment of life my will to live would kick in- and whether or not I’d be able save myself is not the question- I don’t want to put myself in that position, wanting to live in the last second of destruction.
I think wanting to die, killing yourself is like a bad play. The person who wants to die sees all the shadows of their life. The people they wish for, the lack of purpose of their life, the loved ones that seem out of reach and the ache they feel is real but the shadow is elusive.
If successful, and the person dies, they become the shadow for all the people affected. The dead person is like an off stage character you never see on stage. But you know they are there. You feel their absence. But it is a bad play where no good endings happen.
I’m going to live to create a great play. I will live among my shadows until shadows are no more.
1 comment
Well done! 😀