Have you discussed this with your boyfriend? It’s perfectly normal to be uncomfortable about your significant other spending time with his ex. The ex has no reason to do what you want. But your boyfriend should be committed to you and respect your feelings.

My heart goes out to you. I know all too well the pain of infidelity. We want to know why we’ve been disrespected, but sometimes there just isn’t a good answer. My therapist told me that the only way a relationship can overcome it, to rebuild trust, is complete transparency on both sides. That includes access to each other’s phones and computers. And most importantly, honesty from both of you. But it doesn’t sound like he has a strong track record with that. I know a year together feels like a long time, but the advice you received to not bother with cheaters is wise. Better to cut ties before you become even more attached. Sorry I know that isn’t what you want to hear. But it may be for the best for you to move on. Focus on yourself for now. Times like this, I think it’s ok to be selfish. Keep telling yourself you’re worth it, that you deserve real happines. Not this one sided BS. A relationship goes both ways, with both partners working to earn the other’s affection. But you’re doing all of the work, and he’s getting all of the benefits. One day, I’m sure you’ll meet someone who actually deserves you. Difficult advice, something I’m struggling with myself. You’re not alone.

You said you once were the cheater, when you were very young. But youth is the time to make mistakes. Honestly, they are the best teacher. It’s the hard times that teach us what kind of person we want to become. Sometimes it takes us being broken down to figure out how to build ourselves up. You need to forgive yourself for that mistake. Especially now that you know how it feels to be on the receiving end. Use that experience to grow into the person you want to be. For those of us facing depression, this becomes even harder. But you can do it. Believe in yourself.