Yes, I have been addicted. Funny how the people who talk about addictions here don’t get many responses, but hey we bring it on ourselves right? Fuck the world and the judgements passed on addicts.
When I consider the prospect of overdose it makes me laugh. Essentially it’s the same thing as hanging yourself or shooting yourself (the end result being death), but because of the stigma around it, no one really wants to hear about the person who died of an overdose. No one really cares, but I don’t know why I even care to think about it. I mean, I do want to kill myself, I don’t know why I have any concern about how people will view my death. I think it has something to do with how other people expect me to die, I don’t want them to see me as just another silly junky, as they’ve seen me my whole life.
Anyway, I am done fixating on my reservations about how others see overdose and addiction. I am simply sick of trying, it isn’t hard to stay clean. I am just having trouble being in my head. It is the place where I dwell constantly, and I used drugs to calm all of my neurosis. I have spent long periods clean, and things don’t really improve. My social anxiety and negative self talk gets pretty overwhelming. I have been in therapy, and the mechanisms they bring to the table really don’t work for my pyschological recovery. I feel like the thought processes that create intense dissonance in my mind have been reinforced for such a long time that I would need a DBT cult to reprogram my mind to be functional again.
I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself, am I still trying to talk myself into suicide? Is it a harmless rant? Is it the one thing I leave behind for the people who know me? Either way, I am done with trying, and I am currently seeking a way to buy a substantial amount of opiates. I haven’t IV’d opiates in nearly 3 years, but I know this will kill me with the proper dose. No silly hospital stays for me, not again. I am compartmentalizing the effect it will have on my family because I know it will be devistating, and the thought of their pain hurts me deeply. I also know there is no way to explain it to them; they can’t understand my struggle with depression and anxiety. This isn’t a cry for help, I am just getting my intentions and reservations off of my chest.
Lastly a couple last words, to the people who tend to ignore the addiction posts, for whatever the reason. Consider what it would be like being treated like a rodent for the mistakes you made in your past. That you are simply defined by those actions, and you are now a societal abomination. Society makes me sick; people disgust me; and, most of all, I repulse myself.
My mind is all over the place tonight. This post could have been three or four separate posts, a conglomeration of shit you could call it. Perhaps refer to it as an aggregation of sadness, frustration, and hate.
13 comments
i hear you. screw anyone who judges you. People are idiots. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
I love coke/crack but just when I can afford it. No judgement here, we only live 1ce! Enjoy it!!!
Perhaps this is the reason these posts get so few responses, junkies have no depth. That being said, what depth does a teen gouging holes into their skin have? We are all self destructive garbage here, lets bond over it! All trash stinks, right?
I’m a junkie and I’d say I have depth… I agree with you on the other part though, “we are the all singing all dancing crap of the world!”
I think you’re right, I am stewing in too much self judgement and hate. Perhaps that disgusting bias I am referring to has rubbed off on me. I know many junkies with depth, I am just in such a weird place right now, I think I am lashing out at everything, in a desperate attempt at feeling good.
Don’t you feel damaged though? Like you have lost depth? Like each time you go back into that cycle you lose a massive portion of your personality, and the things that make you an individual. IDK, perhaps this was all a huge projection.
I definitely feel damaged. Not in the sense that I lost a part of my personality, but I feel like it makes me more cold and sociopathic, whereas before I probably felt too much empathy and emotion. For example, I never ever had homicidal urges/fantasies until after I had a habit. The old me would have found this terrifying and awful. The damaged me struggles to care… about mostly anything. There are still shattered pieces of the old me… but I am in no way the same, nor do I think I ever will be again. But, as you said, we do it to ourselves. I have no one to blame but me.
Many posts get ignored don’t think its because of all the drug phenomena. Good luck.
Perhaps, but there is still an ugly connotation with drug abuse. Most addicts experience this, society sees us as tainted once we enter an addiction cycle. We can’t even get the right pyschological treatment because we are lumped into the group “addict”, and all of our symptoms are seen as a byproduct of drug abuse, something that is only managable with alcoholics anonymous. It is a disgusting truth, and I am certain the bias exists here.
I am currently dealing with a heroin addiction and so much of what you said is like you reached into my mind and pulled out my thoughts… except for one thing. Getting and staying clean is NOT easy for me. Not in the least. Can you please tell me how you do it? I always end up breaking down and running back to it. As sad and pathetic as it sounds, H is the only thing that is always there for me no matter what when I’m feeling my worst… I wish a person could take it’s place, but, such is my shitty life..
I tend to focus on work, and self discovery. I search for things that interest me and try to learn about them. Lately it hasn’t been working though, the stresses of trying to get better are destroying me. It simply requires far too much effort, and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t go back to the addiction, which is why I am searching for a way out. All of that being said, it isn’t hard staying clean at times, I think it’s easy for me because of how isolated I am. I simply don’t have the connections anymore, and lack of availability is the best deterant.
That’s a really good point about the lack of availability being the best deterant… maybe I can plan a getaway this summer…
I would probably be a junkie if drugs was more available here in scandinavia, alcohol just isn’t that fun. If you can get DBT I would go for it. Usually there are good therapists for it because it’s very demanding for the therapist doing it. (Kind of weeds out the bad ones). You seem like someone whose got their head on the shoulders, so I think you can be amazing at whatever you set your mind to.