ha-ha! I’ve got tears in my eyes.
I’ve been laughing perpetually for the last 3-4 months. I can hear this crazed, deranged laughter in my mind whenever I start to think about the fact that I’m still alive. Nothing matters to me, and some deep down part of me finds it hilarious that I have to live without purpose (the same part of me that laughs when old people fall). I could inject some meaning into my life, but that’s the last thing I want. I don’t want anything to do, people to talk to, or anything really. Just silence, that’s all I care for.
I made a post last week about being too much of a chicken shit to ask a girl out, but the fact is, I don’t want to go out. Sure, I’ve got plenty of social anxiety, but my resistance to coupling is more than that. Beyond my low self-esteem is apathy for all things. It’s my biology that wants a partner, not me; I can like any female who looks half decent and is nice enough.
This novel I’ve been planning for the last few years will never get written. I have no reason to write it. I don’t have any reason to write out any of the ideas I have. It’s all a big waste of time because ….. :drumroll: ….. I don’t want to live! I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care, oh god I don’t care. And yet here I am, everyday, living and breathing, working for money to feed myself, entertaining myself, pleasuring myself, trying to keep myself sane enough so that I don’t end up in a nut house.
This is all a big nothing though. Just spent the weekend sleeping, watching pro wrestling, getting stoned and eating mcdonalds. That’s as good as it gets in my life. I try not to buy mcdonalds (because I have to pay off some debt from losing money on stocks) but that and sour peach rings are all I enjoy. I started buying lottery tickets again in the hopes that I would be lucky enough to w… oh who I am I kidding? I have a snowballs chance in hell of winning, but at least I have SOME hope in life lol hahaha
HA! ugh..
19 comments
So many people think that money will solve all their problems and wish for things like winning the lottery but from my experience, it did not help at all with the depression and suicidal thoughts.
I was involved in a motor vehicle accident in 1997. I was a pedestrian run over by a semitrailer (22 wheeler Kenworth) and in 2001 I received a compensation payout that made me an instant millionaire. My addiction to prostitutes became worse and I spent hundreds of thousands on prostitutes, often seeing 3 women per night. With me desperately wanting to feel like a normal man and all the women just humiliating me, it just added to my mental health issues.
I began trading stocks and CFD’s but with no real respect for money and still being depressed and suicidal, I was taking extreme risks trading on huge margins. My biggest loss on one trade was losing $35 000 in 4 minutes but I didn’t care. One of my suicide attempts was while I was a millionaire. Maybe if your depression is related to your financial situation, winning the lottery may help but if your problems can not be fixed by money, then being rich will not make the slightest difference.
I just want money so that I don’t have to put anymore energy into living my life. My existence is a paradox; I don’t want to live, but all of my actions say otherwise. Getting up and going to work everyday so I can pay for an apartment and food is killing me mentally when I just want to cease to exist. I only eat 1 meal a day on the weekends because I sleep half the time and don’t need much energy for laying in bed and watching TV when I’m awake.
I hope I explained that right. It’s maddening having to be out in the world and productive all the time. There’s nothing wrong with me (as far as I can tell); I just don’t want to participate in this game of life. I have the intellect to fake it when I’m around others, but no natural desire to be alive and make something of myself. I don’t want to be, and working so hard when I don’t want to be alive in the first place…. anyway, I’m going around in circles.
I just wanna stay home is all. No desire for life.
I’m curious as to how you would answer a question that my Psychologist asked me.
That question being:
Assuming you had a magic wand and could change anything, what would your life have to be like to make it worth living? What things would you change so that you wanted to participate in life?
It’s silly but I would make all magical things possible. One of my main complaints with life is how much bullshit is disguised as facts. I’d use my wand to give power to fairy tales like santa clause and the easter bunny. If you put up a tree then santa will visit and give you a gift based. People would be able to not only train their bodies to get muscles, but they could train their minds to the point of being able to use psychic abilities (telekinesis, pyrokinesis etc). Wanna be a pokemon trainer? Good, cause all the animals will be converted to pokemon. Wanna be a digimon tamer? Great, because the internet will become a digital world that anyone can visit and find a digimon to become partners with. Have a knack for law enforcement? Send in an application and you just might be selected to become a power ranger. I’d even create all the gods that people worship, but limit their powers to only being able to affect their own worshipers.
I wanna live in a world where, if I’m struck by lightning or bitten by a radioactive animal, superpowers is the likely result. I wanna send my kids to wizard school and get my power level over 9000. I’d like for anything to be possible.
and now I hate you for making me think about how boring life is in comparison to all of the fantasy worlds created by men and women since the beginning of time 😛
I think you have become too attached to the digital world and fantasy. I find most of the things you mentioned boring.
The world around us with so much diversity in people and nature is so far from boring. If I were you, I would seriously think about traveling and broadening your life experiences in the real world. If you find life to be boring and those fantasy worlds to be more interesting and desirable than I’d suggest that maybe you have not experienced much of the real world.
You want to die because life is boring but you are not out there experiencing life, you are behind your computer focusing on these fantasy worlds. Maybe this is why you are bored.
All of those fantasy worlds were thought up and created by people, a diverse range of incredibly smart, talented, interesting, non-boring people who are living in this incredibly, non-boring world. Now turn of your computer and get out there and start experiencing life
32 flavors but it’s still just ice cream, and I’m lactose intolerant. In other words, The diversity you speak of is superficial. I’ve lived plenty (29 years) and nothing does anything for me. None of the nouns that this world is made up of satisfy me. I’ve met loads of people, been to plenty of places and tried a wide variety of different things. If you think this world is more fun to live in than any of the fictional plateaus that have been thought up, then you sir have a screw loose. You’d rather pay taxes to fundamentally corrupt governments in a system that favors the few? Riiiiiiiiiiight.
It’s funny because your post is so completely wrong because the more experiences I have, the less I want to live. I spent my all of 20s trying to be like everyone else. Parties, vacations, dates, you name it, I tried it. I None of it had a positive effect on me. My friends talked me into believing exactly what you said. That if I kept trying and putting myself out there, then I would magically find my place in life. People kept telling me that eventually I would enjoy typical things like socializing, that one day soon I’d break out of my shell and take the world by storm. Yadda yadda yadda… You can keep this boring little world and all of its diverse animals and plants. I’d rather die than become one of these idiots hypnotized by their cell phones
If you are so certain that you are right, why buy lottery tickets, why post here? You seem certain that you know it all and you know best. Then you have your solution all figured out. I hope you find peace in your fantasy.
Your juvenile assertion that all I need is some fresh air exposes you for the ignorant fool that you are. You’re the one who posed the question about magic wands and just assumed I’m some basement dwelling shut-in when I gave you an uncommon answer. GTFO
You have just proven your maturity. Go back to mummy and daddies basement and keep playing on the PC they bought you with the money they earned working in the real world. Just sponge of mummy and daddy forever and you wont have to face the big bad world and you can escape into your childish fantasy world.
I’m the sponge? Aren’t you the one who bilked the system for a couple million because you got hit by a car? Sad truth is that, unlike you, I am a productive member of society. Now go back to your bevvy of crack whores or whatever it is that you’re into. Wouldn’t want to keep you from contracting some new and exciting STDs.
Yeah, mummy and daddy would never let you visit a whore, hey. Well not until you grow up and leave you fantasy world behind.
All of this negativity towards what this man desires is horseshit! Why do YOU care if he wants to live in a fantasy world? I, personally, love nature and traveling but I don’t honestly believe I will find my place out there either. Everyone has their own vision of what they think life should or shouldn’t be like and who are any of you to judge this guy because he likes different things?
Tpgh-
I laugh about being alibe everyday too. Literally nothing goes right in my life. All I can do anymore is laugh. It’s all a crock of shit. And like I said, I like traveling and everything but…there comes to a point where you have to find a place and stay put. But how can you do that if you still havent found your “purpose” in life ? You can’t. It’s that simple. I’m sick of working at job’s I hate. To pay for apartments, cars, bills, food, clothes because that’s what you have to do to survive. I’m tired of conforming to society.
I’m sorry that today was rough for ya. Toke up, turn the music on, and free your mind. 🙂
I dunno what’s up with that idiot. He’s a typical egocentric nutcase who thinks that because he sees a shrink, he’s qualified to give other people advice, but all his words amount to is a blithering wall of text. I’m into nature too (took an interest in beekeeping this past summer) and I’ve got other hobbies, but nothing that I want to live another 40-50 years for. I’ve simply had enough is all. All the work that must be done to maintain a halfway decent life in society isn’t worth the reward of free time on evenings and weekends. Seems like a total crock of shit, spending all my energy supporting a fundamentally boring existence.
Don’t just keep talking shit about wanting to die just to get attention loser. I was simply expressing my view so maybe others can try to see things differently. I have no idea why you bother posting here, you just want attention. You have no ability to even consider things from a different perspective and you had no intention from the start. You don’t want to hear others opinions so why post here. Oh that’s right, you children seem to think it’s cool to be suicidal. If you seriously wanted to die, you would do it instead of just wanting attention.
“you children seem to think it’s cool to be suicidal.”
so you are a troll? good to know.
You are the troll posting crap when you have no interest in other opinions and you simply talk shit about being suicidal from being bored. You admit you have no problems and simply want to die because you are bored. You are taking the piss out of all those here with genuine depression and suicidal thoughts. Troll.
Sorry that I’m not actively suicidal and chopping my wrists up. Would it make you feel better if I hung myself a few times or get myself committed? Would that amount to enough street cred? You’re the idiot without compassion.