I have Aspergers syndrome.
I am a girl. Its not that visible. I am supposed to be very high functioning. The more I realize my struggles and my differences in contrast to other people.
I am pretty much down.
I just cant navigate through relationships. I cant let go of people. I still love somebody whom I loved five years ago, who moved, who I dont see anymore…etc. I make people mad. I make fuss of things that arent important. For normal people. I have just ruined another relationship of mine, because I was too pushy, too needy. I just dont seem to do anything right. Even weird people dont get me. I was dealing too much with something that should have been left unattended, which I get only now, when it is too late.
And they listen. They try to understand. I would lie if I would say that nobody listens to me. They do. But they still dont get me. The way I think. That I just cant let go of things. That I am too keen on things.
Its so hard to get up in the mornings. I think about suicide a lot. I google it. I read about it. I have never ever thought this would happen to me. I am tired. I cannot concentrate. Nothing in my school makes sense. People seem to dislike me, even though I try to be sympathetic. I just dont know how to do it. I just dont.
I want to be somebodys first choice. I want someone to love me. I have been in relationships, but those people never fell for me. It was always the opposite way. Its pretty hard, because I am attracted to nearly no one. And I have to be attracted to someone to stay with them. I tried to be with someone who was just kind and nice and it didnt work for me at all.
I want someone to fall in love with me. I am 22 years old and it had never happened to me. And I am not really ugly, I do not dress badly, I am not fat. People want to be friends with benefits with me. But they dont love me. I want to be loved. And I always think it starts to change, but it does not. Why am I so naive. Why cant I understand peoples mindsets.
I want to be normal. I am quite social, so seeking comfort in solitude isnt really for me. The worse it is. That I need people, but I cant get to them and they cant get to me.
I wish I wouldnt exist.
4 comments
I am also an Aspie female. It is harder for us. Women are expected to be socially graceful, to keep our heads up and smile, to keep our tears to gentle little trickles when we can’t. We are, in essence, expected to fit in everywhere and be the least emotional over-emotional humans ever. That’s a tall order for people who proudly proclaim themselves “normal”, never mind people who look at all the pointless little social knots we are expected to twist ourselves into and neither get it nor see the point. I’d like you to consider this: is “high-functioning Asperger’s/autism” real, or is it a convenient label people have come up with for people who don’t care to hide behind artifice, behind fake personalities and meaningless small-talk. Personally, I’d rather get to know you than “them”.
I can tell you this much: I will be 35 in February, and, though I believed it impossible, a small, steady group of true people is forming in my life. And. And my light found me. The waiting sucks, no lie. At the risk of a horrible pun, however, that light at the end of the tunnel very highly likely isn’t a train. You will find real people. They exist, sometimes where you least expect. Don’t give in to the dark (said the occasional self-hypocrite).
So well stated impossible. Keep moving forward, your light is waiting for you.
Thank you both for your answers. I have a group of great people in my life, I do. We even live together. But I feel like a burden many times.
I bet if we polled your room mates they would all agree you are not a burden.
Except Johanna over there, she thinks you are a burden but she is clearly a dick and no one listens to her anyway.