So here is another part of my story. I was a virgin until a year ago. I had never have a bf or kissed a guy or even touch one in a close way. But some people told me I should try sleeping with someone to at least know how it felt. Because I am an old woman and so. and i thought I shouldn’t die without at least kissing someone. It sounds stupid as I write it.
So I followed suite as my brother was on tinder and I opened a profile there. I don’t know where people get to know other people but i thought that site could help me. After three or four failed dates with guys that were too nice that I was afraid of hurting them and instinctively rejected (some rejcted me), I met this one guy.
He took my hand the first time he saw me and half an hour after that he was trying to kiss me and to touch me. And I was stupid and thought ‘this is the guy I need’. No one had ever even looked at me like that before, and I even liked him a lot.
So on our second date everything passed. I was the easiest chick ever. But I am sure I felt in love with him from the start. Over time he made it clear he was just looking for the fisical part. And we saw each other for almost eight months like once every two weeks. Me, trying to show him I could be the perfect gf and he, just looking for sex with a girl that didn’t asked him for a thing and that was willing to please him.
I have this ridiculous thought in my mind that I only want to love one person in my life and that now this person is him. I know it’s weird.
But he started dating this girl I saw on his fb (a perfect girl) and he said it was just someone he was talking to, but no more. And I told him it was ok, that I didn’t care as long as we could see each other… he had already told me he was still looking for someone (and I thought that playing it cool was best for me). But I needed to see him like at least once a week and I stared texting him like nuts inviting him to visit me. And at the end he blocked me on whatsapp.
It was like a month ago and it hurted me a lot. I was bad when I found out about that girl in September and my mood felt to the ground. And that time I had to stop studying (I returned to college years after leaving and I was working on my tesis by then) and I stoped doing everything I liked. Everything hurted. And still does. But this time when he blocked me it felt even worst because it meant there was no chance of ever see him again. (I still check his fb once in a while, i am a stalker :/ )
I love the way he smells, the way he walks, the way he talks. And it’s completely irrational. He has never given me anything. But he is not rude… except for the blocking part he was always nice to me. And was patient if you take into account he doesn’t love me or is not even interested in me.But I was the one that looked after him every time. He didn’t bothered asking a thing about me.
And here I am trying to show the world he is perfect even when I have felt mistreated by him for not caring that I like him. But I agreed to everything all the time, so I am the one to blame.
And after all that, today I was thinking that I didn’t like the way that relationship made me feel dirty. And unwanted and lonely. I was thinking I should have respected myself more and it hurted me to think I was going to give him everything despite the fact he doesn’t cared about me. That I should have been better than that. And I was feeling right about discovering all of this for I didn’t know I could care like that for me.
and now a few minutes ago he called me. He wanted to come to do it. And I melted. My brother is staying here tonight so there was no chance. So he said it was a shame and we talk for like two seconds and then he hung up. I know he will call again someday. And the worst part of it all is that I am hopping for it.
And this is going to kill me.
But I want him… And I am begging for him… 🙁
It makes me feel the worst
10 comments
I hope you find some strength. You probably already know you shouldn’t see him anymore, as you already said he just wanna come over to do it. That is all. He’s probably finding someone else to do it with, maybe already done it by now. Most men can do it with any women, barring obvious hygienic issues. Their needs are different. That’s just how animals survived through the ages. Tinder brings the worst out of them. I don’t have first experience, but I read about it. You can look up “Tinder and Hook-up Culture.” He will call again, but you need to stop your addiction cold turkey. I was in a similar situation, although not a physical one (time was different), but I was able to gather enough strength to end my addiction. Well, I hope you can gather enough strength. Wish you the best.
Most of me doesn’t want to, and that’s the problem, I am my worst enemy. I have been thinking of him every single day since I first knew him, and crossing my fingers he talks to me. Some times I just say he is my only option. Sometimes I think it’s because I really like him.
I know I am pathetic. But I allready have it clear that I appreciate more the idea of being with him, than the one of being ok. I said it before. It’s irrational.
But yes. It is an addiction. Nothing more… And yet it is so strong…
I need help but at the same time I don’t want it because it will mean to keep myself away from him. I am out of place.
Sorry. I am so sorry. So deeply sorry…….
Hi Moneypenny,
Jeez. I can’t believe how much I can relate to your post. Somehow, you just described the situation I’m in.
I’m still a virgin at 22. I don’t really care about what sex feels like. I can never do it unless I’m emotionally connected to the person. I never find anyone interesting enough. I think it’s all superficial. People look at me, comment on how pretty I am, but fail to realize that deep down inside, I’m broken, ugly and a very dark demon. I need someone to see that. I need someone to see me for the monster that I am. Fall in love with the monster. Not just what’s on the outside.
“I only want to love one person in my life.”
ME TOO. My mother is responsible for this. She has only ever been with one man in her life. My father. They’ve been together for 35 years. I kind of want to follow in the same footsteps. I still haven’t found that one person.
I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m kind of in the same place right now. I met a guy last year who could look past the fake smile I put on my face. I look forward to every day of seeing him, talking to him, smelling him, having him touch me…. I always bring him a lollipop. It’s so stupid, but yeah, anything to get his attention. Nothing has happened between us. I wish something could happen. I’m always thinking about him. It’s killing me. I’m a bit obsessed, I think.
I doubt anything good can come out of this relationship you have with this guy. I know it’s hard to just forget about him, but you have to be strong and try. Do this for you. Find a way to move on.
(sorry this was so long.)
Ylem, I don’t know a thing about relationships but the only thing is: don’t force it. If a boy doesn’t want one, it’s because he doesn’t want one, other wise he would work for it. :/
And be carefull, I think that if you have that same one man ideal, don’t have sex until you are sure your partner is into you. I think it opened a big wound on me.
I am sure you can be friends with the lollipop guy, sounds well the fact he’s being nice with you too. A friend is 100 percent better than a lover.
And I think you aren’t a monster so I hope things start to go better for you. You seem strong so I am pretty sure it’s gonna happen.
thank you for your advice. I want to be strong. ….At the same time my whole self is thinking about him. 🙁
But I am closer than ever before to make it and to move forward, so it might not be impossible …
… 🙁 I scare me the most.
I have a question. Do you enjoy having sex with him?
Creep mode = off
No
Not really, I just want to feel him near
I was going to say don’t regret the sex if you liked it. I don’t have much to add I’d you don’t like the sex.
🙂 thank you hazy. But I don’t regret our talks, he was nice to me when we used to talk after sex. I have that. Now I just hope next time I don’t become so attached to this kind of relationships. I now know I can get over him… (hope this feeling lasts in my weakest times)